I know other people have it way way way worse than I do. I have so many things to be greatful for. I am blessed with a loving husband. I have a family and very close friends who love me. I have a job. I have health insurance.

There are people who have none of this.

I know that.. but I am losing my grip on what I can handle. I am normally the "goto" woman. "Have a problem, go to AJ. She will help you."

I am losing it though. I am working my rear off getting as much overtime as I can without getting written up for it, and all my money goes to bills. I dont have any breathing room. My husband is a seasonal worker. His season just started but we are SO far behind. I get calls from my landlady weekly, I had to get a extention on the electric, extention on my car payment and my car insurance. My mother has been helping us with groceries because she is an extreme couponer so it helps me out. I make sure my husband has food.. if I cant eat at from the kitchen at my facility, I just dont eat.

I have tried getting a second job.. even if it calls for full time 3rd shift.. I will do it... but nothing is hiring that I can do... I am "overqualified ".

I am just so tired.. emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I wont hurt myself.. but if I am being honest with myself, really truly honest.. there was a second.. just a split second today where I wanted to just drive off the bridge and leave my seatbelt on.

If I talk to my husband about it he gets all angry and pissy.. not at me, but at himself, so I dont even bother mentioning it to him because then I have to deal with his fallout. I dont talk to my mother about it because she feels bad she cant help more than she is and she gets upset. Its easier not to upset her because then I worry about her.

All this has been building and building and came to head tonight when I went to the grocery store to get bread and milk and generic macaroni and cheese. My card was declined. I know there are worse things and I am not trying to offend anyone.. but.. My card has NEVER been declined. Normally I am so good about keeping track of everything..

It was just as embarrassing as I have always feared it would be. I was so shoked I kind of just stared at the machine for a minute.

The young woman behind me with her 2 children got so loud, and so annoyed. Its not like I did it on purpose. I apologized to the cashier and she had a very compassionate look on her face.

As I was walking away, I heard the young woman continue to be pissy about her wait and the older cashier told her that she really should have a little compassion and that what comes around goes around.

As I was leaving the store I went to the customer services desk, in tears, and told them that the cashier on lane 2 is an amazingly wonderful woman. Then I left.

I am just at my wits end. I normally go talk to my therapist but I havent been able to afford my copay so I havent seen him in 4 months.

I just want to sleep but even that eludes me.. My mind wont shut off so its hard to fall asleep.. when I do fall asleep I have the most unrestful sleep because my mind will race.

I am a strong woman.. but I am feeling very very weak right now.