The moment I saw those double lines, I was instantly filled with a mix of emotions. We weren’t trying to conceive, so it came as somewhat of a surprise, but I had never felt so in love and I was so ready to be your mother. I’ll never forget your daddy’s face when I told him about you. At just 4 weeks, the love we felt for you could fill the room. We were in pure awe of you.

We told my family about you. We told my mom she was going to be your grandmother. We told my brothers that they were going to be your uncles. My family was reveling in the joy that was to come from your arrival. Your daddy’s brother and his wife may have accidentally found out sooner than expected, but having your auntie there to guide me through this journey that was to come was the greatest gift I could ask for. I feel few things can bring two people closer together than that of sharing the bond of motherhood.

We bought a box of diapers for you. Standing in that store aisle, with so many options in front of us was very intimidating, but felt like the first real step in becoming your parents. Wandering through the baby clothes, the baby blankets, the tiniest socks, the diapers...it gave me a high. I couldn’t help myself every time we walked into a store. It was like a magnet.

I wanted to be the healthiest I could for you. I bought fancy little prenatal vitamins. Quit drinking soda and my beloved energy drinks so that you would only have the best; water was my best friend. I tried my best to eat only the healthiest foods that would help you grow, but I also couldn’t fight the occasional Hot Cheeto craving. I listened to podcasts all day at work and watched countless videos at night. I told your daddy about everything I learned because I wanted for us both to be the best versions of ourselves for you.

We began to think about your gender reveal. We wanted to do fireworks. Your auntie and grandma were so excited to help plan it. We wanted it to be a big reveal that everyone would love. I looked at countless party supplies and walked through party sections at the store to get ideas. Made a whole list on Amazon of stuff we wanted for this reveal. Daddy and I were really hoping you would be a little boy, but I also couldn’t fight the feeling of wanting a little cowgirl to share my passion and love of horses with. But blue or pink, we would love you.

Right after you hit the 8 week milestone, I started to bleed. That drive home from work was the longest drive of my life. I was scared. I was worried. I just wanted to know you were okay. I kept telling myself bleeding happens sometimes, it’s nothing to worry about, but you see, I was worried. Because behind all the excitement and love and joy, I just felt you weren’t okay. From the day I took that test, there was this always nagging feeling that something was wrong with my sweet little baby. A “mother’s intuition”? Everyone just told me it’s normal, so I tried to write it off, but I just knew.

One trip to the Emergency Room later though, we found out you were okay, with a strong little heart beating at 172. You were shaped like a little bean, with the beginning of tiny arms and legs...I even saw your little heart flickering on that ultrasound screen. In that moment of joy though of seeing that you were okay, I forgot to really take you in and I regret nothing more.

Pregnancy plays such a horrible game on the body. All these hormones, all these symptoms. I had my fair share of it. After the hospital visit, I was told it was just a common first trimester bleeding and everything will be fine. I mean...you had a heartbeat so why should I worry.

I know there is nothing anyone can do to save a pregnancy that was failed from the start. And so early on. God, I hated that word. Early. 8 weeks or not, you were still my baby. For 8 weeks I was your home. Your nourishment. Your life. You were a living being with a heartbeat. But something went wrong in the process of creating you, and Mother Nature knew.

The bleeding continued. I bled for 6 days. But no pain...and I heard a heartbeat...you must be okay. I finally caved and went to the hospital again though. I just wanted to be completely sure. Daddy and I waited forever to be seen, but we had to know you were still okay. Blood tests, urine, pelvic exam. Everything showed that we were both fine. Then the ultrasound. Sitting in that dark room while they looked at you felt like an eternity. They didn’t let me see the screen this time. But I knew you had to be there still because she was just clicking away at that keyboard, taking every measurement she could of you. I waited, and waited, and waited to at least hear your heartbeat. Nothing. Silence. I held myself together for that just in case. I though maybe if she didn’t let me see the screen then she wouldn’t let me hear a heartbeat. Feeding myself false hopes and dreams. She told the doctor would let me know the results in less an hour. I could see it in her face, she was not a good actor.

My world can crashing down on me when that doctor came in. “It looks like you’re pregnancy is non-viable. I’m sorry” My sweet baby, how could you leave me like that in less than a week. I had just heard the beat of your strong little heart 6 days ago. But now, the womb you called home was filled with a heart breaking silence.

“No presence of cardiac activity.”

Your daddy and I cried out for you in that room. It was midnight, but we weren’t tired at all. Just numb. The nurse did her best to comfort me, and I will forever be thankful for her kind and compassionate heart.

My dear baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you better. Daddy and I will never forget you. I’m sure you’re in a beautiful place now. Our hearts will always ache for you, but we are comforted by knowing you will never have to experience a day of pain or suffering.

I love you. x daddy and mommy