So this is very strange for me but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about a guy I used to have a thing with. We never dated but I had very strong feelings for him.

A little back story.. we had started talking/texting when I was about 15and he was 16. My best friends boyfriend at the time was friends with this guy and my friends bf had given my number to him and his number to me. We never hung out until later on(I’ll get to that part). We had only talked/texted for months and months because my parents were strict about me not dating until I was 16(they didn’t say anything about talking to guys🤣) i wanna say we had been texting for almost a year before we actually hung out in person. After talking for so long I ended up developing feelings for him. This guy didn’t ask for nudes, didn’t talk about anything sexual, nothing of that sort. We just always talked about our day, our life problems. He had helped me through some family struggles by just being there for me. He was like my get away from it all.

Soo This guy was really into derby cars and entering into races. He had entered into one locally and I had went to see him with a few of my cousins. That night I believe was one of his first races and he did really well. I had texted him before the race and wished him luck and he said maybe we can see each other after the race. I was extremely nervous obviously after talking with him for so long. After the race I had texted him about meeting up somewhere and he never replied. I just assumed he was busy with family and friends since he had done really well and received awards/trophies. I had left with my cousins. They suggested that I just call him. So I called him he answered and it sounded like he was really busy. He was being very distance and I figured he was still celebrating from the race. I told him I would just text him. After that night our conversations had become less and less.

About a month went by and we eventually just stopped texting each other. I thought I had done something or said something. I logged into my Facebook one night and I had seen that he had changed the status of his relationship to in a relationship with some other girl.. my heart was literally gone. I was angry and upset. I texted him and asked him about it.. he told me he met her the night of the race. (The night we were supposed to meet up) which totally explains why he was so distance and didn’t reply to me.

Months went by (about 6 months) and I get a random text from him. He had texted me like nothing had happened between us. I asked what happened to his girl and he said they broke up. I told him I didn’t wanna be his rebound girl or the girl he has on the side lines every time he breaks up with someone. I told him all my feelings for him and I wasn’t sure if I could just pick up where we left off. (But a part of me on the inside was dying to just take him back). He understood where I was coming from and apologized a lot. We were back to talking/texting everyday about random stuff. One night I went to my schools basketball game and he texted me asking if I wanted to ditch the game and he would come pick me up. He picked me up from the game and we sat in his truck and we just talked. We talked about literally anything like we were best friends. We did end up making out some but nothing went further. It was about the time the game was ending and my mom was supposed to pick me up. He dropped me off and later that night we were talking/texting all night. After that night my heart was in love. I wanted to be his girl but I was scared he would just drop me like before. We had hung out 1 other time after that and again nothing happened he didn’t pressure me into anything we just hung out. One night I was on Instagram and a girl I was following shared a picture of her and a guy. The picture was of their backs holding hands but the guy was wearing a sweatshirt with the same last night as the guy I was talking to. I was like no that’s not possible. It can’t be. I looked to see if she had tagged anyone in the photo and believe it or not, it was him. I was extremely heartbroken. My heart shattered again. I texted him and he ignored me. He basically just ghosted me for a few days. He finally responded and had no explanation about this girl. I ended up finding out that he just met this girl one night and they started dating a few days later. I was even more heartbroken because he and I have been talking for over a year. We have months of late night convos and he just meets this girl and they start dating. I obviously stopped talking to him, cut all ties with him.. I would see them in public and my heart would break more. I turned into my worst self possible. It was Fourth of July weekend and our town was having fireworks. I had just turned 16 that May so my friends and I decided to go out. We had went to my sisters house who got us alcohol and we brought it to where we were gonna watch fireworks. (I didn’t drive btw) We went to watch fireworks and it was all crowded and people walking everywhere, we were at a stoplight and I see HIM and his new girl. I rolled down my window and started yelling at both of them. ( YES VERY STUPID AND IMMATURE MISTAKE) they had no idea it was me at the time. Later on they figured it out and we all got in this huge fight. I just ended everything with both of them, apologized and we went on with our lives.

A few months down the road I get a Facebook message from him.. I was very confused. He had changed his relationship status to single and profile picture back to just him and deleted everything of her. He said they had broken up and needed someone to talk to. I was not having it, I told him I wasn’t gonna be his back up girl, I was done. I didn’t wanna be hurt anymore. He kept telling me he missed him and he loved me and he made a huge mistake and he knows that I’m the one for him.. I was extremely confused at where all this came from, it was totally out of the blue. He told me that the girl he was with was crazy and he didn’t wanna be with her. This time I told him i wasn’t sure if I could ever get my feelings back to what they were and he said he would do anything to get me back. I was like okay whatever.. 10mins later I get a really long message about how this whole thing was a trick and that they never really broke up. Everything he had just told me was a lie and that he could never be with him and he could only be with her. He told me it was them getting back at me. After that night I cut all contact/sources of them both.

Okay soo now, about a year or 2 go by. I’m 17 almost 18 about to graduate high school. I get a notification on Snapchat saying he wants to friend me on Snapchat again.. I was like Hellll nah. But stupid me added him anyways. He snapped me immediately.. I would barely give him the time of day. I told him how do I know this is even him.he eventually snapped me a picture of him. I was confused at why he was snapping me or even contacting me. He acted like nothing happened between us. He ended up apologizing for that whole messed up situation.. one night I was working until 10 and he had messaged me wanting to hangout. I was like why?? He said he just wanted to hangout.. he ended up showing up at my work and he walked me with me to my car to put stuff in my car and we got in his car.. nothing happened we just talked and listened to music. At this point my mind is EXTREMELY CONFUSED. Like why is he wanting to hangout or even talk to me. I asked him if his girl new and he said no that she would flip if she did know.. he never said why he even wanted to hangout with me.. we ended up just hanging out a couple more times after that. Eventually he just stopped messaging me.

It was the summer of 2016, I had just turned 18 and just graduated. That summer was gonna be my best summer yet. I was strictly wanting to focus on just myself and figure myself out before entering college. Well, he had messaged me AGAIN that summer wanting to hangout. At this point all my feelings were gone.. it’s like my feelings were completely numb. We ended up hanging out and this time he had kissed me. I was totally caught off guard. We ended up having sex in the back of his car. ( I know I know stupid mistake). That happened a couple more times 🤦‍♀️

Eventually he stopped messaging me ( he was always the one to message first, never me). I wasnt heartbroken this time. A couple months go by and he messaged me again, wanting to hangout. ( yes this sounds like I’m his bootycall) but sometimes we wouldn’t have sex, just talk. I wasn’t sure at what he was wanting out of all of this, he never said. Soo basically this whole hanging out behind his gf’s back went on for almost a year. One day I get a message from his girl saying to stop texting him and delete his number because they are perfectly happy together. I didn’t respond to her ever because I wasn’t about to get into any drama with her. He ended up texting me that night and I told him what she said and he said yeah her friend went through my phone and saw your name in my messages. I told him it probably wasn’t a good idea that we talk anymore and he agreed but did that stop him no? He tried to reach out a couple more times.. eventually I had moved on and told him i wasn’t able to talk to him anymore or hangout. I wanted to fully commit to this guy.

2-3 years so by and haven’t spoken to him since. I’m happily married with the guy I wanted to fully commit to. We have a little family with a 2 month old baby boy.

I recently found out that this guy and his girl are having a baby together due in January and for some reason I can’t get him out of my head. I love my husband to death and would never cheat on him, I just feel guilty that I’m thinking about this guy.

This post really has no point, I just wanted to get my feelings out there without telling people around me.