No baby at my 12week scan today. MMC

Holly

I just need to “talk about it”. I can’t sleep, though I’m exhausted...

We had an early private scan at 6wks and they couldn’t find baby. The following week, the found it with a heartbeat and said I was likely a week or just under behind LMP.

I’d had light cramps all through pregnancy on and off. On tuesday 20th august I started getting a few sharper more consistent cramps. Thursday i started spotting. Friday I went to A&E. I got bloodwork done, urine tests, and cervix examination - my hormones were very high, cervix high and closed, no uti or infections. Obgyn said she didnt feel concerned and everything pointed to things being just fine... our spirits were raised and we were looking forward to today... had plans to go public with a cute picture...

Today was my 12 week scan, and after searching with both external and internal scan they found no baby. The sac had continued growing though wasnt as big as it should have been... but no baby at all. The sonographer really tried. Was told baby had died “at some point” since the early scan, long enough ago that my body had absorbed it. As I hadnt naturally miscarried, I had to have the tablets inserted this afternoon and have been miscarrying since 😢

We are devastated, in shock, and numb. Dont know what to do. Miscarrying physically hurts so much more than I thought it would, I’ve thrown up, cried and felt like I was truly in labour as the contractions were so painful.

I’m so heartbroken. This was my first pregnancy, and I feel like all my hopes and dreams have exploded in my face. I keep crying, then going numb, then crying... I want to try again when I’m able but it took 18months to get that positive result, and I’m scared it will take that long again, only to lose it again 😢😢

My whole world feels like its turned upside down.

I know I am not the first or last to go through this. It just all hurts so much! How do you move forward and stay positive and hopeful? How do you grieve something like this? I just feel so lost