I messed up

My boyfriend is a cuck, and prefers videos of me rather than fucking me.

Within the last year if I don’t have a video, I’m essentially dead to him, and I’m sick of all the random, emotionless sex. I never see my bf and I feel alone.

Just today I fucked a guy and, use if it’s cause he was crazy hot, has my interest, or actually cuddled and talked after sex, but, I think I like him.

He doesn’t know I have a bf, I actually didn’t record or tell my bf.

I feel bad, this is cheating cheating, and I promised I’d never do it, but it doesn’t feel like a relationship anymore. It feels like a job.

I know I need to break up with him, and please don’t say “he deserves better” he’s a crazy asshole who I should’ve left years ago. He’s forced me into sexual relationships and uses me like He’s my pimp.

I do love him grant it, and I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t help it, and I know if you live someone, you shouldn’t cheat, but I don’t feel loved, or happy anymore. I dread when he texts because it means he’s mad, and when he says “I love you” it feel fake.