Long post..I feel empty and like a failure.

Sunshine 🌻 • TTC baby #1 👶🏼 for 2.5 years - next up IVF.. Adoption momma of an amazing little boy. 👦🏼

I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m stressed. I’m downright angry. Why can shitty parents pop out kids left and right but good people struggle?! I am 25 (almost 26) and my fiancé is 33 (almost 34) and we want a baby. We are getting married in November (after a very long engagement) and we’re just ready for our family to grow!! I always knew in my bones that having children would be a struggle. I just knew it. I’ve never wanted anything more and everyone tells me I’d be a great momma. I love kids and kids always love me. I’m an ER nurse and all the nurses and doctors always want me to take the peds patients because I’m soo good with them. I’ve baby sat from a very young age and parents always refer me to other parents because I’m so great with their kiddos. But anyway, I came off birth control around Christmas to start trying for our baby. It hasn’t happened and my periods have been pretty irregular so I made an appointment with my OB. She did blood work and an ultrasound. My blood work came back great but my ultrasound not so much. My right ovary is polycystic and my left ovary has a massive hemorrhagic cyst that may have to be removed surgically. Which means a PCOS diagnosis...The doctor told me my chances of conceiving naturally are very slim and that she wants to continue to monitor my left ovary for a few months, if the cyst does not get any smaller she wants to go in and surgically remove it, and then she wants to start me on Clomid once I heal. I’m just devastated. All of my fears are coming true. And of course I see abusive parents, neglected children, people who have lost custody of all their children announcing new pregnancies, drug addicted babies, etc. I just don’t understand. I’m stressed, I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m defeated. I feel like I was made to be a momma and if I can’t do that then what’s the point?

*also, we have discussed fostering and adopting from day 1 of our relationship..we still plan to do that someday, but I just feel a burning desire to experience pregnancy and give life to my first (and maybe 2nd) child before taking on that next challenge/dream*