TW PROBABLY so .......

So I guess there are two parts to this story, one happened when I was maybe 12 ? I think. And the other was when I was 14. Both incidents were by the same guy who was and still is my brothers best friend and was our neighbor. He was over everyday of the week and he even had his own room to stay in when he just wanted to stay at our house that night or something. When I was maybe 11 or 12, we were alone in my room together and he was helping me move some of my furniture around because I wanted to redecorate. My bed frame was broken at the time so we decided to see if we could fix it and when we were both sitting down he kept scooting closer to me and ended up touching my vagina. I was extremely uncomfortable as I saw him as a brother and after a few seconds I told him to stop and I moved his hand away. This incident never really bothered me too much, I just felt really icky and uncomfortable around him for awhile and then I kinda pushed it out of my mind. I recognize this as sexual assault, the next part is kinda where I don’t know if I should call it that bc apart of me feels wrong if I do or guilty about it. I just wanted to tell this part to give some backstory on a similar experience with him. Anyways, fast forward to when I was a Freshman in high school and he was a junior, he asked me to go to the dollar general with him to pick up some stuff for a school project because my brother didn’t want to go with him. Once we were there he got very touchy with me and made me hold his hand and kept saying things like “if you kiss me I’ll buy you this and this blah blah blah”, I said no every time and got increasingly uncomfortable and let go of his hand to which he kept trying to hold it again. Ended up trying to push me against things and kinda enclose me where I couldn’t get out, but I did and nothing really happened there. The ride home was basically the same, him saying about how this guy I currently liked wouldn’t like me if I’ve never done anything with anyone and stuff like that. When we get home I ran to my room very fast and he came after me and laid down on my bed. I didn’t feel comfortable laying on the bed with him because of what happened at the store and in my mind I felt like this situation needed to be recorded, so I had my phone inconspicuously out and on record as he was below me laying on my bed, he didn’t notice at all. He laid on my bed for maybe 30 minutes just asking over and over again and begging me to kiss him and I said no every single time. After that long period he left my room finally, and I got a text from him a few hour later still trying to convince me. I ended up saying okay because I just didn’t feel like I had much of a choice and I was tired of him constantly asking. That night he came into my room when I was trying to sleep and got in bed with me and I was trying to just face away and not be in that situation but he turned me around and kinda got like halfway on top of me?? Idk and we made out for a little and that was my first kiss. So after that it happened almost everyday for maybe 3 months, and after that first time i didn’t try as hard to say no and I’d often just let him do it and get it over with, but I really pretending to be into it sometimes bc idk I was young and didn’t want him to say I sucked at it or honestly idk what was going through my head I just felt like I needed to pretend to want it after me not wanting it didn’t work out. So I’d let him do that and he would try to touch me sometimes and I’d say no and he would stop when I said no to that, which is good, but one time he told me to get on top of him and I did and he forced my hips to grind on him and he ended up ejaculating. This is kinda when I realized I needed this to stop and I just felt really disgusting and guilty. I ended up getting the courage to stick up for myself more and not let him do things to me or convince me to do stuff bc I didn’t want to and he eventually kinda stopped. Maybe a month or two later one of his friends who we went to school with got on his phone and found something in his notes about me and how he was in love with me and how amazing I was a blah blah blah. It was so long it was maybe 20 screenshots worth and he sent it to the entire school. So the entire school knew about it but only through his perspective and it made it out to be that I wanted it and I was okay with it, which made it feel impossible for me to come to terms with what actually happened and what I felt about it or tell anyone my side. None of my friends knew I just told them that it was okay and that was it I never elaborated bc it just felt gross and I was just embarrassed. At the time I didn’t question whether this was sexual assault or abuse bc I did end up saying yes, so in my mind it was always my fault and there was no way he could’ve known I did not want it. I realized within the past year and a half - two years that what happened was probably sexual assault. IDK I still have a doubt in my mind because I did say yes, what do y’all think? Also, my friends know now a little, I have talked about it with them and I have been coming to terms with the situation, but for some reason I just feel like guilty for calling it sexual assault and I don’t know why.