I need opinions/advice bc I truly don’t know what to do or how to think about this.

My freshman year in college (I’m a junior now) I took a break from my bf for six months. Long story short we needed to be alone and think about a lot of stuff. Anyway my friends encouraged me to be single and have fun! So I did. I met great people, but it would always lead to sexual stuff. Even if I was pursuing them for a friendship it always turned out different. My bf was my first everything so I only ever trusted him with sex. Here’s where I’m lost at. With three guys that I encountered I was felt like I HAD to do what they were telling me to do.

The first, I actually truly cared about as a friend I could come to him for anything and he’d give the best advice he was just a cool human. I remember one night I was in my room and he calls me and asks if he could come up and hang for a min. I said yes. I remember us talking like normal and then he brings up feeling safe around him. I was like of course I do like you’re my friend. He then says he’s gonna show me something, he grabs his backpack and grabs a tshirt. Wrapped in it was an unloaded gun. He was ex military so I didn’t find it strange but I was intimidated bc I’d never seen one before and also bc it’s a gun. He puts it away after showing it off and then he comes toward me and he kisses me. He starts feeling everywhere and im starting to feel embarrassed. He then gets aggressive and turns me over against my bed and pulls out his... at this point I’m frozen I don’t say anything. I keep my mind on the gun even though I don’t think he would have hurt me but still I’m scared. He then senses I’m tense and finally asks if this was ok and then I responded with a shaky no. I didn’t mind the kiss but it went further with out me saying it was ok or no or yes.

The second guy, was an old high school friend. We reconnected and we were truly very close in hs so I didn’t think much of it when he asked to go out to dinner. I was excited to see an old face and eat and chill together like back in the day. Dinner was great I had a good time. We saw a movie afterward and while watching he grabbed my hand and was holding it the entire time. It was weird but I just thought back to hs and we used to this friendly gesture like this all the time. Movie ended and it was around 1 in the morning. I was exhausted from socializing and just wanted to sleep. We walked to his car and we sat there playing music ( I thought choosing stuff for the ride back to my dorm) and we sat there for two more hours. I felt as though we wouldn’t go unless he got what he wanted. He flirted and tried so hard but I wasn’t feeling him like that. Eventually I start dozing off bc we were sitting in silence listening to the music and I suddenly feel his breath on my face and his lips touch mine and he’s forcing a kiss. I froze and I didn’t know what to do but to just kiss back like a peck but he kept just forcing it and forcing it and groping my boobs. I remember wanting to cry bc I thought I was catching up with a good friend and it turned into something that I never wanted that day. I felt the only way to go home is to go with it until he’s satisfied. He tried asking for sex but I explained I’m on my period and he got really pissy. He took me home and we said bye but he didn’t let me out without another forced kiss. Weeks after he kept blowing up my socials asking and pleading that we meet up again to finish and I just felt embarrassed and not worth anything but only worth something if it was for my body.

The third guy, he was a fb player for my college. He mostly was a bench rider so I figured that’s why I never seen him before. We matched on tinder. We met up and got to know each other’s interest and he seemed chill and was fun to be around the first couple times we met up. Maybe it’s bc the first couple times it was in public area/hubs around campus. Anyway one evening he came to my dorm to hang out before my night course. I was doing hw and he was too. 20 min before I had to leave he noticed that I was tense while walking ( I was crazy sore from campus sports ) and he majored in stuff dealing with muscles or whatever so he offers a massage in that area . It was my calve so I was fine with being touch bc i was legit hurting. It led to him feeling up my leg and my private area. I didn’t know what to do I just remember moving his hands and playing it off but he kept going. I figured it I move around the room to get my stuff in my bag for class he’d stop. He didn’t. He picked me up crazy high to where my private was in front of his face and pinned me to my closet door. He then put his face in my area and started mushing his face in it ( I was clothed) .

I felt so violated so I told him to put me the fuck down. He didn’t. After I asked again he did. But he laid me on my bed and pulled my pants down and said if he could make me ... then I’d have to blow him. I could say no. I couldn’t say yes. I just said maybe later I have to go. I kept trying to pull my pants back up but he kept saying my name and “ 5 min “. I just let it happen. I did.. and he then said it was my turn . I pull my pants up grabbed my bag and said I had to go to class , at this point I was late. He stepped in front of my front door to get out of me room to the hallway of my dorm and put his weight dont and said I couldn’t go unless I blew

Him. I wanted to cry . I tried to laugh to okay it off, I kept saying I was late. Nothing worked. I just ended up doing it. I kept wanted to cry. I was scared I was gonna catch something. I didn’t know the guy intimate In that way. I e only ever done that with my ex at the time. I remember coming back from class brushing my teeth my lips my tongue for like 30 min.

I write all of this jumbled mess to ask does any of this count as assault? I’ve thought about these three things constantly since they happened. I’m insecure bc of them. My sex life is weird bc of them. I never fully delve deep into my experiences bc I’m terrified but I feel that that’s hindered me from moving on? I feel it’s affecting me now bc I never dealt with it or got closure? I’m I at fault here ? Please someone explain. I’m so lost mentally.