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We are more than a Conquerors

Jessica • Wed, Sep 04

As I reflect on my experience over the past four years with TTC I am confronted with memories of deep struggle and doubt. I had two ectopic pregnancies and a miscarriage that made me feel like I was worthless and ashamed as a woman. They were some of the darkest days of my life.

Ectopic pregnancies are scary because I could have lost my Fallopian tubes. For some reason (unknown) my little embryos were not able to navigate to the uterus. April 2017 and August 2018 were like a repeated nightmare. Thank God the doctors caught them early enough to recognize the early signs of ectopic pregnancies and saved my Fallopian tubes. I ended up taking two rounds of methotrexate in both cases to stop the cells from growing and allowed my body to absorb the pregnancies.

In March of 2018, just after my 8 week appointment, seeing the heart flutter of our second pregnancy I started spotting. Nervous, we immediately went to the doctor. After an ultrasound, she confirm that we miscarried. The sounds of my cries made my heart stop. I will never forget that day and I am still grieving over that miscarriage. To make matters worse, I was 9 almost 10 weeks pregnant that I had to have a DNC. The memory I have from that procedure... let’s just say, heart shattering.

However, my husband and I came to terms with the fact that maybe we needed a little help to start our family. We prayed on it and decided to start fertility tests with CCRM in December of 2018.

Every test we took came back normal! Other than my age being a concern, there was no explanation of our infertility! ZERO! My CCRM doctor said my vitamin D was very low and my thyroid was a little off so I started treatment right away to get those squared away. In March of 2019 we finished all test and sat down with a CCRM financial advisor to discuss costs. We knew it was going to be expensive so we decided to pray on it and begin treatments in April 2019.

However in April 2019 a coworker walked into my school/job with a loaded gun and threatened to shoot me and another coworker. It’s a long story... but it put me under a shadow of self doubt, fear, anger, and my anxiety was at an all time high.

Since that day, I haven’t returned to work. I have been in therapy and been working through my trauma. This event changed the trajectory of my career. It also changed our <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> trajectory as well. The circumstances I was in were not ideal for pregnancy.

In June 2019 my husband and I decided to refinance our home and use the money to start <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> in September. Our plan was to travel to Barbados because the fertility center had great ratings and the cost was half the price then here in CO. We also went on our annual anniversary trip to clear our minds and to prepare ourselves for the journey ahead. But while on our trip...

We were both shocked to say the least but because of our past we decided to be cautiously optimistic. One of the hardest things to do is tell your family and friends you’re pregnant...just to turn around and say you are grieving over a loss. So we kept it a secret. We only told a few people because we knew we needed prayers.

I cried most nights because fear paralyzed me. It was like a vampire sucking the hope out of my spirit. I however, continued meditation and yoga, slept a lot and visited the doctor multiple times, just to be sure.

Every Wednesday was a milestone because I... no we made it to the next week in our pregnancy.

Today, Baby Bracey has made it to 13 weeks and I’m now giving myself the grace to be happy.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have not gotten pregnant if I was still working. The level of stress I was under, my “normal”, prevented my body to create a human.

So...I’m finding gratitude in the event that took place in April because God was arranging my life to give me the opportunity to rest, become a mother and to firmly walk by faith.