When I was in elementary school my babysitters older teenage son molested me. All the kids at the babysitters house would play in the basement and when it was time to go upstairs the son would pull me back and told me to stay downstairs with him. I remember him sitting on a chair and restraining me to sit with him, and I could feel his private parts on my back.

I had no recollection of this until I was in high school when I first started having flashbacks. I believe its because that's around the time I first became sexually active. But when I look back now it makes sense.... I was hypersexual at a young age (super curious about sexual things with my own body/masturbation) and had a lot of anxiety. I'm frustrated that I only have the flashbacks that I mentioned and cant recall anything else, because it makes me wonder what else happened. I feel angry that I only remember bits and pieces and that I didnt tell anyone what happened.

This has scarred me deeply. It set me up for poor self esteem and self worth. In middle school a group of boys would put their hands down my bra and down my pants and laugh and joke. I would tell them to get off/stop and even used physical force but it didnt stop them. It was always in the beginning of science class before the teacher would arrive. One of the boys would "watch the door" to warn the others when the teacher was coming. Finally one day I broke down in tears because I'd had enough and another classmate saw how upset I was... well he stepped in and told the teachers which resulted in two of the boys involved being suspended. I blame myself a lot for not having the strength to somehow stop that sooner. And why me??

I was raped in high school and again did nothing about it. It's a struggle for me to feel worthy and of value. I am nearly always uncomfortable around the opposite sex and am so used to mentally abusing myself that it's become second nature. Shame and guilt have had such a negative impact on my life. I want to change. I dont want do live with such pain everyday.

Anyone else have experience with this and how did you cope? I saw my first therapist this past month at the age of 27. We didnt "click" so I'm meeting with someone else who specializes in childhood trauma in a couple weeks.