*i didn’t know which group to put this in, but here’s a selfie to make it fit in the group topic*

So today September 7 I turn 20 years old. I don’t know why every year in never excited for my birthday. I always want it to just come so that I can get it over with. I feel guilty for thinking that way since so many people were not able to make it another year. However, I always get all melancholic and sad once my birthday gets near, and I don’t know why. I never plan anything for my birthday because I never know what to do, I don’t got much friends. Only like 4 girlfriends but I feel like lately we’ve been growing apart. My parents are always busy, so i feel lonely. Yesterday I was thinking why do I get in this mood every year, and I came to an assumption that maybe I’m just afraid of rejection? Like I rather not announce it’s my birthday so that i avoid the possibilities of feeling unwanted, or not special. Society has set the idea that for your birthday you have to be treated special (which is reasonable) but for me, expecting a day to be treated special scares me because I’m afraid of not feeling special, so rather just avoid it. Idk if I’m explaining this right. Idk how to put it into words. Like I don’t expect a big party to feel special, I don’t feel like this because of materialistic reasons. This is something internally. I feel guilty feeling this way but I can’t get rid of it. I’m grateful for another year and for my family, I just don’t understand why I get sad.