Do you think I have postpartum depression ?

Please answer honestly. I don’t know if I do or if it’s all in my head. It’s long but please I’m begging if you have time please read it. I need help/advice.

First let me start off by saying I am 11.5 months postpartum (not sure if this makes a difference or not). I’ve suffered from anxiety my whole adolescent life (I am now 24). I’m not going to get into my childhood, but just to give you an idea ,I had narcissistic parents growing up, I was excluding in a lot of family things, verbally and emotionally abused, etc. I did go through a point in my teenage years where I was very depressed. I quit high school, laid in bed all day and night, slept all day and night, hardly ate, was self harming, etc.

Now today I am a mother of one with my long term boyfriend. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared, but quickly came to realize how blessed I truly was. I was finally going to get what I wanted my whole life - a family. I had a very easy pregnancy overall.

When I had my son life hit me HARD. I had baby blues for a while, then it seemed like it was okay, then it just got bad again. I didn’t want my boyfriend to leave to go to work. I was convinced he was going to die and I would have to take care of the baby alone. I was so emotional, and was thinking about the worst possible outcome of everything. At the time my boyfriend was getting high almost all day. He would come home from work and smoke and then go to bed. We wouldn’t eat dinner together, we wouldn’t go to bed at the same time, he wouldn’t help with the baby, it was bad. Things have gotten better with my boyfriend now, he helps a lot more than he did. But it’s occasional and I have to ask him - half the time he gets upset and the other half feels like he holds it over my head, so yeah it sucks! He just thinks because he works and I don’t he does his part. I love my son dearly. But some days it’s all just too much for me.

Here are some symptoms I’ve noticed lately:

1. Extreme fatigue. I literally feel like I have no energy. I struggle to get up in the morning. I’m tired all day long. I hardly shower because it feels like a chore. I struggle to keep the house clean, cook dinner, keep up with laundry, etc without getting super overwhelmed. But at night, I don’t seem to fall asleep right away. I think it’s because I feel like I don’t have time to myself so when baby is in bed I want to hang out with my boyfriend and watch tv.

2. Irritability. I am so so snappy. I go from 0-100 in a second. I’m constantly pissed off at my boyfriend for the littlest things. If my baby wakes up in the middle of the night I get into a rage sometimes (not all the time). If my baby is crying and I’m already in a mood I get so upset and yell and then cry later because I feel so bad. I would never hurt my child, but sometimes I feel the urge to or I get a little rough (please don’t judge me I promise it’s not bad), I’m scared to even tell anyone that because what if they try to take my baby away? I swear I would never hurt him.

3. Headaches. I’ve always suffered from headaches, but lately I’ve been getting them every single day.

4. Inability to make decisions. My brain literally doesn’t work. That sounds crazy, but I literally can’t think sometimes. Whenever I try it’s like it hurts? Like I just can’t think. Sometimes whenever I’m talking about sometimes I don’t even make sense? It frustrates the hell out of me because it’s like my brain isn’t functioning. whenever I say this to people they say it’s mom brain, but I feel like mine is much worse than just forgetting to pack something. It’s to the point where I put important things away, and can’t remember where I put it 5 minutes later. I’m literally still looking for my passport (it’s been over a month).

5. Isolation and loss of interest in things. I don’t want to do anything that involves doing anything. Examples: grocery shopping, going to the mall, driving, showering, sex, etc. are all things I don’t want to do. I do sometimes want to get out of the house - but it’s not like I want to do anything, I just literally want to sit in the passengers seat and drive no where. I also have no desire to have sex anymore.

6. Emotional. Sometimes I feel down and don’t understand why. I feel like a bad mom sometimes because I’m too tired to play with him - but it’s not regular play - I feel bad that I can’t do all these sensory activities and such (because I literally want to but for some reason when it comes to it I can’t do it or I can’t think .. idk it makes no sense?)

These are all the things I can think of right now. if you got this far thank you so so much, please be honest about what you think.