Traumatic Birth Story ‼️ LONG post

August 28, 2019

My due date.

The day before this, I was convinced I was going to go way over my due date. I felt no signs of labor, other than more frequent Braxton Hicks, but I had been having them my whole pregnancy so I didn’t think much of it.

Around midnight, I woke up to pee, then got back in bed. I tossed and turned for about an hour. I was uncomfortable, but had no idea why, so I figured I’d get up and try to pee again. I stood up and WOOSH! My water broke! My heart raced as I KNEW it was my waters breaking and this meant we were having a baby soon. I woke up my husband and said “hey, uh, I think my water just broke. I think we need to go to the hospital!” He was in disbelief, I had to reassure him multiple times that I was sure. I originally planned to labor at home for as long as possible, but I knew that broken membranes = time limits. At this point, contractions had barely started and weren’t too painful, so I took a 40 minute hot shower and washed my hair. Then we headed to the hopsital.

By the time we got to triage, my contractions got intense. I had to lean back and breathe through each one. They checked me and I was at a 1. I had a good feeling that was probably where I was before they checked me, since I wasn’t dilated at all at my precious doctors appointments.

They finally got me a room, it was probably 3:30am at that point. The contractions really kicked in at that point. I would lean over the bed or the table through each one and my husband massaged my back. My goal was med free, so I made sure I was breathing deep through my tummy and relaxing my hands and face. It worked for a while.

Around 5am, we called our parents, and both of our moms came. The contractions got stronger and stronger, and were about 3 mins apart. They checked me again and I was at a 4. I thought “how the hell am I supposed to do this until I get to a 10?” But I kept going.

By 6am, I was screaming through the contractions. The pain was absolutely unreal. But I was determined. My mom was helping rub my back. They got closer and closer together, they wouldn’t let up. Some of them were a minute apart and some were on top of each other. I was shaking uncontrollably and crying in between contractions. The pain was so absolutely overwhelming. I kept saying “I can’t, I can’t” I couldn’t catch a break and my body felt like it was giving up. It’s 10am af this point. The nurses were convinced I was close to delivering, so they checked me. I was at a 6. I felt so defeated. I knew I couldn’t do it.

I was upset with myself, but knew I gave it my best. I asked for laughing gas, but the contractions were so strong and close together that I couldn’t breathe it in. They asked if I wanted to try fentynal. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with my baby getting that drug and maybe I should just get the epidural. They told me that the epidural has the same stuff in it, so I said screw it, let’s do the fentynal. It hardly helped and I opted for the epidural soon after.

Getting the epidural and sitting still through so many contractions was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I SCREAMED bloody murder. But as soon as I got it, I felt some instant relief. They checked me and I was at an 8.

This is where things turned.

As soon as they hooked me up to the epidural, his heart rate dropped. LOW. The nurse said out loud “okay we need a doctor” and multiple people rushed into the room. The doctor came in and said “we need to deliver this baby!” They wheeled me into the OR. I was crying all the way there because I’m terrified of surgeries, but I’d do whatever I had to to make sure my son was okay. We got into the OR, they moved me into the table and checked his HR. It stabilized! The doctor checked me and I was at a 9.5. She told me I could deliver vaginally. They moved me back into the birthing room.

I felt so relieved... I got a second chance! I was at a 9.5, it could be any second now right? I had the epidural still but felt SO much pressure from his head, it still hurt like hell. I felt like I could push him out, but they said no because my cervix still had a lip. I laid with the peanut ball between my legs for 2 hours and... nothing! The lip was still there.

The nurse suggested we try pitocin. I wasn’t keen on the idea. MORE drugs? Not to mention, the epi made his HR drop, who’s to say the pitocin won’t do the same? She told me she respected my wishes, but her and the doctor really think that the absolute lowest dose will get me to a 10 fast. I reluctantly agreed. BIGGEST REGRET EVER. I’m so upset I didn’t stand my ground here because...

The moment they plugged me into the pitocin, that very moment, his HR dropped from 140 to 70. It stayed there. AGAIN, they called for the doctor, another flood of people came rushing in. The nurse to the left of me kept saying “his HR has been this low for 4 minutes... 5 minutes... 6 minutes.. etc” the doctor said okay you’re pretty much all the way dilated, try pushing NOW. HARD! I tried for about 30 seconds as the nurse on my left continued to announce “7 minutes.. 8... 9... 10...” the doctor once again said we need to get this baby out. So off to the OR we go. Before we left they checked his HR and it was getting more and more faint. Being wheeled there I was so scared that we were going to lose him. We got into the operating room, they checked his HR again and could barely find it. It was much lower and fainter than 70 at that point. I was crying, screaming in fear, asking for my husband but they wouldn’t let him in yet. The anesthesiologist came in and told me they were probably going to have to knock me out completely because there was no time for anything else. That killed me. I really wouldn’t be awake for my sons birth? He finally agreed to just inject me with all kinds of things and keep me awake. He ended up giving me 6 things, who knows what they were. They started operating, my husband was still not in the room. They finally let him in. I was still crying and yelling, it creeped me out so bad feeling my insides get pulled and tugged at, and I was so worried my son wasn’t even alive. My husband was mortified at the whole site, he was just holding my hand, staying silent with tears in his eyes. Then that moment... I felt a huge weight (literaly) lifted out of me. We heard him cry. It was the biggest moment of relief of my life. My husband and I looked at each other, both bawling our eyes out. I remember him crying and saying “you did it!” And I said “that was so horrible” and he responded with “yes but it’s so worth it” they showed us the baby over his shoulder and I couldn’t believe he was ours. 7lbs 10 oz and 20” of pure perfection.

I had planned for delayed chord clamping, immediate skin to skin, and to keep the wipe down to a minimum, of course all of that goes out the window with an emergency c section. I didn’t see my son for 45 minutes while they weighed him and stitched me up. The whole time I was crying asking to see him, they kept telling me no. The only thing that helped was hearing my husband back there with him.

At that point, all of the drugs really started kicking in. I felt so numb I couldn’t even swallow. The only thing I felt, oddly, was a rush of fluids between my legs. Turned out I lost a lot of blood during the surgery. I felt extremely light headed.

Finally, after what felt like forever, they wheeled me into a recovery room and put my son on my chest. I cried. Almost immediately, he latched on on his own and I finally felt that beautiful oxytocin release that everyone talks about feeling when they first meet their baby. It was one of the most magical moments of my life.

The whole day was so traumatizing for both of us that it was hard to connect with our son for the first day or so, but now we are so beyond in love it’s unreal. Despite being so disappointed with the day and the recovery, he’s here safe and I’m alive and we are so grateful.

August Rush

8/28/2019

7lb 10oz

20”