Last September he was put in the hospital for an infection and also found out he had heart and kidney failure, his heart and kidneys are barely working now. Then he finds out a few days ago he has a mass on his kidney.

I’m so scared and idk what to do.

Backstory, for as long as I can remember my father has been in and out of my life and is a drug addict, I could count how many times I’ve seen him sober in the last almost Twenty years of my life on one hand and those times didn’t last long at all before he was right back to the drugs.

Due to that once I got old enough to understand what was going on (I was like 11 or 12, super smart kid btw) that’s when our relationship really started to strain. And from there it for worse, I also have a son from a teen pregnancy that he’s met just a handful of times and that’s another reason I isolated myself from him even more, he was in and out of my life constantly he wasn’t doing that to my child as well ya know?

But yeah I had barely saw him before but once I had my son it became even less. I’ve talked to him like once since he was hospitalized last year and that was this past January when he unexpectedly showed up to my house, gave me a hundred dollar bill and started in with his sob story (the same one he’s given me since I was a child and he would right me letters from rehab and jail) about how he was “Sorry and loves me so much and wants to change.” All that Jazz.

We were supposed to go out to eat that very next weekend, I didn’t have his number and he knew that but he had my number and he never called, or came by so we never went to eat.

I haven’t spoken to him since.

Last September when he was hospitalized he called my mother to tell her and wanted me to come see him so the next day we went to the hospital, I even stopped and got him some candy and things that I knew he liked, when we got there they couldn’t find him anywhere in the hospital, I called his wife several times to let them know we were there and what room were they in, and never got an answer.

Also come to find out they had moved him to a hospital over an hour away and nobody had let us know. And that night he discharged himself. So I never got to go see him.

A week later he called my Mother pissed at me and her because I didn’t come see him, he wouldn’t even shut up long enough for her to tell him we went down there and even had things for him but he wasn’t there anymore. She didn’t want to tell me about the argument but did eventually. I was pissed even more because how dare you talk to the woman that raised me by herself all these years like that and then get mad at ME because I didn’t make it down there to see you.

This is the same man that didn’t know I broke my leg in third grade until a month after I had my cast taken off.

I was pretty livid, not to mention he’s spent all these years basically all “Well why don’t you call me?” Even when I was a child.🙄 Basically blamed me for not reaching out to him, but why would I?

I do have a lot of resentment towards him, and he’s caused a lot of life long issues for me, yes “Daddy problems.” The sad part is he either doesn’t realize it or just doesn’t care.

Either way I’m not exactly sure what to do, my Mom has told me in the past that I need to try and talk with him because her father was the same way, they never fixed their problems and then he died and it was too late for her.

At the same time as sickening as it sounds I’m not surprised that this is happening, he’s had a drug problem my entire life. Over the years I’ve kind of “mentally prepared” myself in a way for it.

I don’t think it’ll really hit me until it’s already happened.

I don’t like talking about my feelings and that is why I’m anonymous right now, I feel safe to express my feelings without judgement.

I know I won’t be able to talk to him without crying or getting upset with him but at the same time I feel like some closure would be nice.

This is apart of my life I’ve just kind of shoved to the back of my mind and shut my feelings off about it so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.

So sorry that this is so long.