Conditional love

I feel like the worst parent ever. I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. Lately my 3 year old hasn't been taking his nap even though I try to get him to for 2-3 hours sometimes, he just plays in his room. He has been having a really hard time listening lately too. I stay home with our kids while my husband goes to work. When my husband comes home, he takes him outside and let's my son play pretty much however he wants. We live on a lot of acreage. He will let our son crawl on the boat and dig holes and will take him for rides on our property and will work on vehicles with him (my son loves taking things apart). Then they will come inside and play in his room after dinnertime until 9-10p if I dont say anything.

Here's the problem. I want to trust my son as much as my husband does. I dont like taking him outside as much because I dont trust him to not fall off of his playset. And I dont trust him not to wonder off. And I dont trust him not to get hurt.

I want to not care that its 10pm and he still isnt in bed. It drives me crazy that my sons bedtime is 8pm and my husband doesnt care. He will just keep playing and I will always have to be the bad guy. I will always have to be the one that tells him to wash up, or get down, or go to bed. It's hard. It hurts. My husband told me yesterday I cant "make" our son take his nap. He felt I was punishing our son out of spite. I was telling my son he cant go outside because he didn't nap and he cant watch funny videos because he didn't nap. That pissed me off that my husband said that.

I dont know where my lack of trust comes from. Maybe it's my alcoholic mother (passed away less than a year ago before 40). I feel like I need to be in control out of selfishness because I fear being hurt. And if my son gets hurt, I hurt.

I dont even know why I'm typing this out. I dont have anyone really. Just my husband and close family. I guess I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.