a little back story, we have been ttc #1 for a little over 7 years now. 7.5 to be exact.

I have a break down way too often and I stopped going to baby showers, reveals, and all that good stuff. I just can not mentally and emotionally handle it. I know its selfish but after years of being on this journey, you have to be selfish to remain sane. my family knows about our infertility, so there's never the awkw6, why didn't you make it to blah blahs baby shower. but my husband on the other hand, was telling me I shouldn't be that way because when the time comes, we want people to make it to our baby shower/reveal. I told him I just couldn't. and if he feels the need to go, then he should go. but I wasn't going to put myself in that situation. (this was a few years ago and we never brought it up again)

so last week was his friends gender reveal party, and he asked if I wanted to go, I had to work late so even if I wanted to (which I didnt) I wouldn't have made it on time since I work in another city an hour away. so my husband is like, "babe i know what you mean now, i don't want to go idk if i can fake it, especially if you're not there, I'm happy for him, but just sad for us. idk if we're ever going to experience this. " I didn't even know what to say, my eyes got watery and told him just go for a bit and if it's too hard, then say you have to come home. so when he gets home I ask how it went and how he felt, and he broke down. and said it was super hard and he was sorry for scolding me a few years ago. that he now understands why I avoid these events. I felt so bad, i didn't know what to say. he always the strong one, and i didn't know how to fix it. my heart hurts for us. it hurts that I cant give my husband the thing he wants the most.