I feel horrible

I ask that my feelings are respected when reading this. Thanks.

I feel like have my son was the worse decision of my life. I hate saying this but have to be honest with myself. I had my son while I was incarcerated for stabbing my stepfather while he attacked my mom. Before I spent my 9 months in jail, I was raped by my son’s father. I had the option to abort but felt that it would be selfish. I have been trying to build the mother-son bond with my son since I was released from jail when he was 11 days old. It’s just not there. I can admit that I am selfish and at times resent my son because I rarely able to have a night out. Not to mention when I do, I get guilt tripped by my mom. My mom has a terrible relationship with my son and treats him like an outsider. I will say she will help me provide for him in desperate times but berates him whenever she can. I was guilted into being in contact with his father and his family because my mom feels that they should have to be bothered with him too. However, when my son’s grandmother or aunt say they’re going to do something for my son my mom quickly says that they are full of shit and she’s doesn’t know why I deal with them. Yes, I was guilt tripped into talking to the rapist. My son is bright and I am so proud of him when he does even the smallest thing well but then I’m reminded by my mom that he’s lazy and because he’s a little black boy he will be labeled with a learning disability for not wanting to do work. I asked my son who is 7 does he really want to learn and do work and he said no to which my mom said that I shouldn’t bother. Let him not go to school or let his other family have him. I’m so hurt. I have tried almost everything I can think of. My mom is always telling me to beat him but that’s not a solution in my eyes. I don’t deserve to have him. I do everything wrong when it comes to him. I’ve even contemplated giving him up for adoption. Not so that I can have my own life but because I’m ruining his. I’m a terrible parent.