Kind of here to vent and talk to people since i have no one. My best friend and I have been friends for years since the 7th grade. She’s always been there for me and i will do the same for her. I had a miscarriage back in 2017 which was a very hard year for me. Let’s just say i don’t have a family like anyone else, for me it would just be my mom. There’s more people but so much has happened and i don’t want to be around them. After everything that happened with my family, it was just like a thing for me i said “ I’ll never have a real family until i make my own..And i still feel that way. I never told anyone about the miscarriage since it was early on and even my mom and i’s relationship was rocky at that time. And i still feel that So i just dealt with it myself(not to mention the guy who’s baby it would’ve been just disappeared so he doesn’t even know). The only person that knows about it and i told her long after it happened was my best friend. A little after it happened we kinda of made a pact to get pregnant at the same time so we could do everything together. I literally have anxiety when i think about her pregnancy it makes me so sad. Not unhappy just sad i just feel like she’s getting what i wanted and so much need in my life also went to her gender reveal today and we found out she’s having a boy and that’s what i wanted so bad. I’ve had slight anxiety problems since 2017 bc of family things mostly and bc of the baby but i just feel it in my chest so bad lately that i start crying. I know it’s bc a person that i don’t want in my life is coming back around indefinitely and also bc i now have to watch my best friend live her life while i feel like mine has went nowhere. I want to start my family so bad i don’t even have a boyfriend i’m so nervous and insecure about myself because of how i’ve been treated and what’s even more hurtful is she’s been through a lot too but i guess it doesn’t get to her like it does me. She’s definitely not insecure. I’ve just always been to myself and never had anyone to talk to because when i was young and would try to explain, talk about my feelings or ever defend myself, i always got shut down and told it didn’t matter or they didn’t do/say that or even that i’m not feeling what i was feeling and that made me over think things a lot to the point i felt worthless like why am i here if my family doesn’t love me how could anyone else??? I haven’t even gotten my period this month i’m stressing my life so bad It’s given me anxiety about everything i can’t even get a job right now bc i probably say the wrong shit during the interviews just over thinking.

Just wanna clarify because i know you guys will say it but this wasn’t really a post asking how to deal with my best friend having a baby. I know everything will change one her baby’s here. I’m not unhappy, i’m so excited for her and it was so heart warming and cute watching her freak out for getting the boy she wanted and she was so persistent in me actually being a part of the reveal so that was fun. I couldn’t be more happy about being a god mommy 🥰

Thanks to whoever gets this far and actually let me vent because i know i’m probably over reacting and emotional lol