I got wasted last night and proceeded to cry....
Well, it's pretty clear now that if I have even a little alcohol around me and someone mentions me and my husband not having children I turn into an atomic bomb.
There's a lot of back history about the players and really I just need to get this off my chest.
I was invited over to my father's house last night after I had a few beers at my husband's mothers house. We headed over to my dad's house where some people from my past were there. One of which is an old ex friend of mine. She had recently had a baby.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since 2010. I've gone to the drs and was diagnosed with polyps and a hormonal balance. I was given 4 rounds of clomid and was told by my dr they can't help me anymore then they referred me to a fertility specialist. That was 3 years ago.
I often wonder what it would be like if I had made an appointment and went. Either way I called, asked how much it was and knew immediately I would never have the money to pay for it. I decided to try naturally and we've been taking supplements and vitamins. About 3 months ago I decided to stop tracking and trying. It's been such a long and emotionally draining journey.
I was just ready to let go, move on and live my life when I arrived at my dad's house and my ex friend was there with her baby. She held the baby up so I could see her I suppose and proceeded to give me the "wanna hold my baby look". So i told her I would hold her. I wasn't drunk but I was fairly buzzed and I had just started my cycle a few days ago.
While I held her baby I mentioned to her how sorry I was for our past and I was more sorry for us no longer being friends anymore. She said she thought of us as friends when I told her we weren't friends because we don't talk. How can you be friends with someone you never call back or text? She then said she had a busy life with her husband who needs her and her 3 beautiful children and doesn't have time to text or call me.
One thing led to another and I went outside where they were grilling. I had a few more drinks and shots of whiskey. The next thing I know I'm telling my husband I need to go. I went inside to say goodbye when i see my ex friend again.
I don't recall the entire story but I do remember her asking if my husband and I were wanting kids. Then she asked why we didn't have children. This is when I began crying. I started sobbing and explaining there's a lot she didn't know and more importantly we do want children and tried for years.
When I looked up at her she was smiling. It was as if she was getting pleasure knowing I was struggling. Yes I was drunk at this point so I wasn't sure I was understanding the situation clearly. I then asked why she said those things to me. She laughed and said I don't know.
She kept her smile on her face and I continued to cry. I asked her if she thought what she did was okay and she she just smiled and said ya. I went outside and saw the group of people sitting by the bbq and i just walked away. I decided I was going to go for a walk.
When 1 of the people in the group asked where I was going. It was clear I was crying. I began hyperventilating and I decided to jog to help myself work through the hyperventilation. I jogged 1 street over and sat on the curb continuing to cry. After a few minutes I decided I needed to leave.
I'm not proud of my reaction. I'm not happy that I can so easily be affected by these people. It's not the first time they hurt me and I know it won't be the last time. It kills me thinking about someone laughing at my trying to conceive struggle. I cant imagine anyone laughing as someone's hardship but even more appalling was their reaction to my tears.
They actually had a round about way saying I should adopt and someone stated they would carry my baby for me. Everything about the evening made me sick.
Before I went to bed last night I began questioning if i was reading into the situation too much. But when I woke up and was still super upset I know I understood completely what happened. I cant believe she used to be my friend. I cant believe she thought it was okay to smile as i cried about my struggle.
I called my sister who was there and told her I will never see that girl again. I refuse to talk to any of those people again. Now I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and forgive.
I forgive myself for becoming an atomic bomb with my emotions. I'm sorry to my family for having to deal with my explosion. I may never be able to let go of not being so easily capable of having children but i forgive myself for acting like a drama queen and getting so intoxicated.
I vow to let go of my past destructive behavior and to work towards a more natural life. I also vow to never put myself around people like that ever again.