Stupid long story. I seriously could make millions if I turned my life story into a soap opera 😣

Trigger Warning!!!

First off, childhood was awful. Angry alcoholic dad. Mentally ill alcoholic and opioid addicted mom. Four older half siblings that hated my guts. My parents didn't parent. We raised ourselves. One of my brothers is autistic. The other three siblings turned to drugs, alcohol, and sex by middle school. I learned what not to do from watching them. Sort of. By the time I was the only kid still at home (just started my senior year of high school) my mom was the worst she's ever been, and was telling me of her latest suicide attempt almost daily. Not knowing what to do I tried to get her help from a local mental health organization. My parents caught wind of what I was doing and kicked me out. Told me I was a disgrace of a daughter and they wished I was never born.

Not knowing where else to go, I moved in with my pastor and his family. His wife ran a home daycare which I worked in since I was 12 and at this time I was fully licensed. This was September 2008. I graduated that November. I didn't really have any friends other than people in our church, and my family was ridiculous so I just stayed where I was because I honestly didn't know what else to do and couldn't afford to live on my own.

April 18th, 2009 everything changed. While his wife was gone working overnight as a CNA, the pastor raped me. Ironically it was their anniversary. She found out and blamed me. But told me to stay. I was so confused. It didn't take long before I realized (or so I thought, at the time) that I was trapped. The church was honestly a cult of sorts. The pastor continued to rape me. He was great at gas lighting and manipulating and had me so twisted in my thinking that I thought I loved him. He abused me in every singe way possible - held me at gun point, took the knob off my bedroom door, raped me multiple times a day, beat me at least 3 times a week...the list goes on. Anyways. December 26, 2013 I literally ran away.

My dad was no longer an alcoholic and was an entirely different man. I ended up living with my parents for a year. Tried to put my life back together. Worked as a CNA and reconnected with old friends. Met an amazing guy. Moved out of my parents house and in with room mates. Got engaged. Got married June 6, 2015. Was so in love. He was everything I hoped for in a guy. Until we got back from our honeymoon.

It didn't take long at all to realize he wasn't everything he said he was. He was so angry. So violent. So irresponsible. So impulsive. He scared me. He got mad when he got fired and stabbed himself 3 times in the abdomen. I walked in on the bloody mess. I was thrown into a horrible time of severe PTSD and became a shell of myself. Our marriage continued to crumble. He refused to go to counseling with me. I went every week, if not more.

I eventually felt so suffocated at home that I planned to temporarily separate. I told him my plan and he seemed fine. It took only a few days before he lost it. Stabbed himself 3 times in the chest and ruptured his pericardium. Got out of the hospital and immediately filed for divorce. Started stalking me. I had a PFS which he violated nonstop. Put tracking devices in my car. Stole the tag off my car. Robbed the contents of my car. Hacked my school account and gained access to my entire schedule. Deleted all my emails. Stole my mail. Again, the list goes on.

Thankfully, my ex husband is now in prison.

*There is WAY more to the story, but WAY too much to type out

So, my question is, do I ever even try to open myself back up for the potential of a healthy loving relationship? I'm so scared to try again because I feel like I'm going to just yet again pick a guy who is actually a crazy person! I want to be loved, but I don't think I can handle another crazy man! Also, if I do try again, What tips would you suggest??