Family Problems

I’m posting this anonymously because there have already been a ton of issues and I don’t want any chance of there being more.

I need help with figuring out what to do. The end of 2018 my husband and I had a baby. This is the very first grandchild on both sides. She was an early winter baby so she arrived around the same time as the flu. We allowed all visitors, never denied guests but were mostly in hibernation mode the first 4 months of birth. I’m fortunate enough to be a SAHM who is my daughter’s primary caretaker almost 24/7. In the beginning we made requests like no one should visit when sick (family still didn’t listen), if you smoke please change your shirt, & always wash hands before holding the baby. All of our requests seemed pretty reasonable to us but with every request came some sort of back lash or complete dismissal.

As the months passed and our little one grew older she developed a pretty strong case of stranger danger/separation anxiety. It was right around the time we bought a house & the weather started warming up. She was about 6 months old when she started reacting pretty negatively to certain family members but I figured it had to do with all of the changes that come with moving. Luckily, I was able to start venturing out of the house more. Trips to target everyday even if it was just for a cup of coffee. Our LO now loves going out in public but still has her reservations about strangers if they get too close.

As the months have passed our daughter has come a long way. She allows visitors into our home without immediately fussing and reaching for myself or her father but she isn’t sold on the idea of just anyone holding her. Certain family members have worked really hard and put forth time and effort to build a relationship with her & progress is being made. She can be held by those who take it slow & allow her to warm up to them.

Here’s where the issues lie. For the majority of family members, they aren’t very sympathetic to what our daughter is going through because none of their kids went through this. We have received so much negativity & criticism over how we raise this tiny little human. Even though we’ve been reassured countless times by our doctor that this is completely normal, our family still has a big problem with her being so upset when they try to hold her. My husband and I no longer know what to do. It feels like everyone else’s wants and needs matter more than our daughter. It is more important that they feel like they have this special bond than it is to do what’s best for her.

It isn’t just holding her either. A certain family member reserved a beach house 4 hours away without checking with us to see if we could go. When we told them we weren’t comfortable traveling that far quite yet, they became very upset with us. We again, aren’t parenting the way they want us to and receive such lash back.

It’s family and I understand the desire to want a special bond with this amazing little girl but somethings can’t be rushed. I wish she didn’t have separation anxiety. I wish she could travel to the beach and have a great time with the family she doesn’t know as well. But she isn’t there & I can’t force it. This is a phase & she will get through it. But what about us? What about the parents who have been scolded, undermined & written off for the first year of our daughters life? Our daughter isn’t going to remember not having a close relationship with her grandmother before her 1st birthday, but I’m going to always remember how it felt to feel so isolated from the people who were supposed to be the most supportive.

Believe me, we have tried talking to them. I’m honestly seeking professional counseling because it has gotten so bad. What do you honestly do when family isn’t supportive and instead continuously telling you you’re doing it (parenting) wrong?

Lastly, this is just a tiny pet peeve of mine that really gets under my skin. Do you know how incredibly rude it would be of me to walk up to someone and tell them what to do in their marriage or career? How insanely invasive would it be to give unsolicited advice on topics like that. I’m married so can I tell a married couple how to improve their marriage? I’ve worked in the past so can I tell others how they need to improve at their jobs? No. It’s rude AF. So why is it so damn acceptable for every living person to tell me how to parent just because they’ve done it before?