I am Ugly

EDIT:

So after reading some of these comments, I can see I’m being so vain. I’m feeling out of control in my body. A little crazy. I guess for a while I only felt like I had my looks and now that my body has changed, I’m confused. I have a good job, a good man, and I’m actively pursuing my career and grad school. But I work in beauty so sometimes the pressure becomes insane. My breast reduction was deemed medically necessary but now I feel a little mutilated. I’ll still pursue my braces, and kybella because I’ve always cared about my appearance and I need to get in shape. Being called fat wasn’t fun. I care about a plethora of different things not just my appearance, I just wish I didn’t feel so ugly right now. So thank you for your.... constructive? Views...

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Pretty Privilege exists. I know because I used to benefit from it. Over the years I’ve become less pretty. I gained weight almost 50lbs, I lost my retainers and I have a few spaces in my teeth. My skin just stopped glowing one day after a chemical peel gone wrong. I burnt the hell out of my lip 2 years ago and for some reason it just won’t heal. And wow, people treat me so differently than they did when I was hot.

I went to Austin and this guy let all my friends in for free and then stopped the line at me. My friends said “hey she’s with us, and he said “that’s fine, but it’s $20 for your fat friend” I know my friends were really embarrassed for me, I was too, but they faked some outrage and we left. I used to have an arrangement with a well to do man that sent me money cause I was nice to look at. I would get offers to use my photos for party promotion flyers. Girls would just want to be friends with me so we could go out together. Men were just really nice to me. I worked in a BCBG store and my whole interview people just kept saying “you’re so cute”. My coworkers said my numbers were high only because I was cute. I was very pretty, black with dark skin, very busty, very bottom heavy. I typically wore my natural hair straight. I had part time jobs at very trendy stores so my clothes were always new, outfits perfect.

I was also ugly in HS. I ran into a boy I had a crush on in HS at a club and he said “damn you looked awkward in HS but look at you” he played college football for a team that recently won a championship, we had a short thing, but the offers were coming from all directions so I couldn’t even take that relationship seriously. He’s pro now, still single, but I noticed recently unfollowed me on IG. That was my life for 4 years. Idk, maybe I did something awful in my pretty life and I’m being punished now. Maybe i pissed god off cause I wasn’t utilizing all of my talents the way I should’ve. Who knows. But I was still very smart, I was in college during this time. I studied fashion and business and ppl always said how that fit me, given I was so good looking and smart. I had a lot of friends, I was constantly being invited to things.

I always liked the big heavy guys, with beards that smelled good, and could probably kill me if he rolled over on top of me. Like, Oak tree trunks would envious of the size of these men’s thighs. 6’6, 280 lbs, and terrifying is my type. Black, white, Latin, didn’t matter he just needs to be enormous. And that’s what I found, and we were happy. And we ate like it. I got settled.

I’ve made some changes. I changed my hairstyle. I still haven’t lost all the weight but I’m halfway there. I recently had a breast reduction and lift and back lipo for that little under bra section. I’m getting braces again soon, and veneers after to make my teeth larger. Im going to a consultation for my skin. I want Kybella in my jawline. I work in HR in fashion distribution so... I’m not rich. He’s a Latin musician and also not rich. He doesn’t understand why I’m doing all this. I have him. Why were cutting corners and pumping almost 10k into just my appearance. But it’s just so hard being ugly. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I really believe it’ll help me in my career and social life. I know there’s more to life than looks, and they fade, whatever. But I truly believe that is what ugly ppl say to feel better, because if you went through a pretty stage you know being ugly is one more thing you have to deal with and it is not fun.