Me & My Husband decided it was time to start trying for our third, we were so excited and the day before my expected period we found out we actually conceived on the first cycle! We were absolutely THRILLED, we both knew after having our first we wanted 3, maybe even 4, kids one day! I couldn’t believe it I was so excited we shared the news with our family that day and online within the next couple days. We already had names picked out and I was thinking of room designs and how excited I was to have that big pregnant belly again and feel life growing inside of it! But then...

At 5 weeks & 3 days I started spotting, it alarmed me since I never spotted with my other two, I looked online and saw spotting was a completely normal thing. So I just kinda blew it off and continued about my day, I had plans to go look at maternity clothes and buy my pregnancy journal for this baby. When I walked into the store I went to pee and I noticed bright red blood and before walking in I noticed cramps starting in my lower back. It was a Saturday and after calling 3 different doctors, who just blew the whole situation off, my only option was an ER and I knew they would be just as insensitive and I would have to sit in all that sickness. I decided to not go.

Later that night, the tiniest little clots started coming, about the size of sand. And part of me just knew, this was it. My husband came in and I was uncontrollably crying. Telling him I couldn’t believe I would have a baby I would never get to hold or see, the look on his face was heartbreaking. We went to bed and at 1am I shot up out of bed with mild labor like pains, I walked around the bedroom to ease the pains that radiated in my lower back and left pelvis, while my husband tried his best to comfort me. An hour later I decided I felt okay to lay down after going to pee. And that’s when I noticed larger clots, this time about the size of a quarter and it broke me.

Over the next couple days, I kept bleeding and passing clots not fully knowing if my baby was still in there or not. I did so much research to see what it possibly could’ve been if not a miscarriage, and came across info about subchoronic hemmorage and I was praying that was what it was. Finally, Monday comes and I call my OB who tells me to go get blood drawn Mon & Wed to see if HCG rises or falls and he can help me from there. Wednesday comes and I get the call, “Mrs Graham, I’m so sorry but both times your levels were at 2. You’re no longer pregnant.” She informed me I had what was called a chemical pregnancy, and answered all of my questions with so much compassion. And from there I had the hard job of informing my family and everyone else, we lost our baby.

All I have of this baby’s existence are 4 faint positive pregnancy tests and the memories of just a few days of brief mild nausea. I never got to hear the heart, see it on an ultrasound, or even really experience any of the “normal” symptoms. Part of me feels silly for this affecting me as harshly as it has but the other part of me feels guilty for not even having the brief thought of this sis my fault. I know I did everything I could to make this happen but something just didn’t work out or wasn’t right so the baby couldn’t implant fully. But it still doesn’t help with the feeling of feeling like my ears were ringing like someone shot guns beside my ears right after I heard the words “you’re not pregnant anymore” or how I just feel like I’m getting punched in the gut when I realize all my future plans for this little movie are gone or even how I’ll never get to know this sweet little baby I carried for such a short amount of time. My love was so strong for this little baby and I feel like it was just taken away so suddenly.

I have no idea how long it’ll take me to get used to the fact that I’m a Mother to an Angel but I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. This is a hurt I’ve never experienced before. And now I’m hoping that we get blessed with our little rainbow baby.