After a wild two days with blue dye test, the doctor confirmed this morning, that I was in fact, not pregnant. Again.

It’s been a year and a half. I’ve had a tubal reversal, and surgery again to remove my right tube. This time was different. I saw those lines on that test and for once, I finally thought it was true.

Truth is, I couldn’t even cry when they came and told me. I was so stunned. And so damn mad. I left, sat in my car for a second, and drove home. When I got home, I grabbed those stupid blue tests, walked outside, and threw them as hard as I could possibly throw them. I screamed at them. I cussed them. I wanted to light them on fire. I looked up in the sky, and I screamed at him. Why? Just freaking why?

Then I started to cry. I sat in the grass, with our mini pig cowardly trying to get in my lap and held him while I weeped uncontrollably.

This has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. By far. Month after month of ovulation test, tracking, temping, take this, take that, BFN after BFN.

I’m not giving up hope, but after today, I’m giving up all the other stuff. I can’t physically or emotionally do this every month. I’m ready to get back to “making love” with my husband, and not “I’m ovulating get in the bed love.” I’m ready to get back to having to figure out time marks of when the hell my last period was. I’m ready to stop being crossed eyes at lines. Most of all, I’m ready to get back to us.

I’m giving all of you more baby dust than you can imagine. If you don’t mind, send us some too. ♥️♥️