I’m sorry this is long but I want to try and give the whole picture.

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.

With moving to a new town this past year, trying to adjust to being so far away from my mom and family, not taking more time when I had the time to go visit with her or even just going to see my brother or my dad (whom only live 1.5hrs from me, my fiancé and I talking about his son moving in with us, getting engaged, my brother then moving away closer to home, my ei running out and having to find work, not knowing if I'll have a job to pay the bills, then finding a job that i didn’t know if I’d like, Just so much all at once and the immensely overwhelming feeling of everything, I finally cracked and fell apart. I didn’t know what to do with all my feelings, I didn’t know how to calm myself enough to be able to think about everything rationally, I just sort of wanted to just give up and go back to my home town. During all of this I wrote my fiancé a letter trying to explain everything that I was feeling and I know that some of what I said really hurt him but after he read the letter it felt like he was giving up too.

I needed his support through all of it but with all the stress he’s been under with his job, even when he was home if felt like he wasn’t really there.

We did a lot of crying and talking and wondering if I should move back home and doubting decisions that had been made. But we both don't want to end the relationship, We both hadn’t been sleeping or eating properly for about a week and were exhausted. We Talked a lot more the following night and cried a lot more but had agreed to take some time to work together on our relationship and spending more quality time together.

He asked me if we should postpone the wedding and at the time I said maybe we should bc I thought that’s what he wanted. Now fast forward to today (it’s been about 3 weeks since the first part) and I thought things between us were better, I thought that we were ok again. I guess I was wrong. Our day yesterday was fairly good, it was a quiet day, we went to the store together, made homemade pizza for supper and watched a movie together and then out of nowhere things weren’t ok again. We had another talk last night and cried again and he told me that since the first part he’s had doubts about our relationship and my happiness and that prior to that he never had any doubts about anything and I know that all this is my fault and his feelings are completely valid. I explained again last night that I am happy with him and that everything I wrote in the letter was out of pure panic and the overwhelming feeling of starting over in a new place and new job and not knowing how to deal with all of the different events and emotions all at once properly and that bc of everything I kind of just cracked and didn’t know how to deal with it all and I took that out on him and that wasn’t fair to him. I know that the feelings and doubts he’s having are my fault and again his feeling are totally valid but I’m starting to feel like I may be losing him bc of everything. I thought we were getting better and that things between us were getting better but now i feel like he’s pulling away, now I feel like we’re never going to get back to the way our relationship was before my break down.

I love this man with all my heart and can’t imagine my life without him by my side and can’t wait for the day I get to marry him and he says he feels the same way about all of that too but since last night, now I don’t know because I thought things were good and now I don’t know.