I remember waking up on his bed. On my stomach. White sheets, and a blue comforter. My underwear soaking, feeling like I peed in my pants during the night. I had asked him in the morning if we had sex, because I clearly remember going straight to bed. I asked him again if he did something in my sleep and he hesitatingly answered no.

I was 23, I drank a lot, I had a a lot of family drama going on. My mom had been cheating on my father for a year and I couldn’t say a word. My grandpa (dad’s dad) had killed himself when I was 7 years old. He had shot himself in the head in his travel trailer, because his wife (my step grandma) had cheated on him with another man. If I had told my dad, about my mother’s mishaps, my dad would be over and out, just like his dad. I felt instant guilt, every time she told me about her adulterous affairs, but I loved my dad. Too much I didn’t want him to go like his. My mom was my best friend. Was. I was too young and too stupid to realize what was happening. This was no reason not to tell my dad, but I was young and didn’t want to see my dad kill himself.

I met this boy at 22, thought he was my everything. Ive never had a serious boyfriend before. I couldn’t see anything wrong with him. He was romantic, set up flowers and candles asking me to be his girlfriend. I was a country girl and he was a farmer. Match made in heaven if you ask me. Little things sent red flags going, his obsessiveness and thoughts that I was cheating on him all the time, but I simply tried to see the best in people. We had a disastrous relationship, but simply thought that a ‘crazy’ relationship was the best because people who loved like that knew what real love was. Little did I know.

A year later, my mother and him confessed to sleeping with each other and her cheating on him with my dad. And him cheating on me with my mom. A whole family mess later and a divorce, I’ve moved on and forgiven her. Its been over for 3 years. This is not the point.

2 years later i met my husband. I am 26 years old and have a beautiful baby boy. I met a man so sensitive and so kind, I couldn’t have been more grateful. My husband and I were having a casual, consensual conversation about being woken up by each other sexually, and I froze. Completely frozen. Memories flooded me of waking up my underwear and my pants not being on all the way. Having the feeling of semen and so much liquid in my underwear to know that something happened when I passed out drunk. Something had triggered my memory of those evenings after 3 years, even before finding out my boyfriend had cheated on with my mother. Look I don’t care about any reactions of my mother and boyfriend cheating, I’m very quiet about this.

But this memory of waking up, feeling violated is something that I feel that someone, might relate to. Being raped in your sleep, being blacked out and having someone take advantage of you. Please help me with this, I have not felt this way before. It’s all coming back to and I know women have been sexually assaulted much worse than I have and have remembered every second of it. I want to hear your stories. It pains me so much that this has happened to any of us.

A long, long story short. I drank too much. I trusted someone I shouldn’t of have. I wasn’t there when he needed his sexual desires filled. And it happened anyway. I don’t want sympathy in any way, I just want to know that I’m not alone. This is the first time I’ve ever dealt with this, and would love to hear your story, whatever it is. Please.