My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years, we’ve had our ups and downs. 5 years ago we bought a house, and got engaged all within a month. We now have 2 beautiful children (3 and 4months)

When we moved into our home, newly engaged, I kind of got cold feet, and had doubts. I started talking to a coworker about it and he got really flirty. It escalated quickly, nothing ever happened between him and I other than heavy flirting, but I was considering leaving my fiancé. I thought it through a lot and realized that I wanted nothing but my fiancé. I told him about it, and explained it. He’s pretty much held it above my head for years whenever we get into arguments.

A few months ago I noticed weird charges on our shared MasterCard, I did a little digging, than snooping, and than I straight up hacked into his email. It turns out for the past 8 years he has been using cam girl sites (pretty inconsistently but not the point) and has spent over $3000. He kept denying it, for weeks. Eventually he admitted to it. He says he sees it as an “extension of porn”. I was mad for along time, I’ve for the most part forgiven him.

I’ve forgiven him, but now I’m putting all this blame on myself. I use to be so confident, and feel so sexy, but now I feel horrible about myself. I have a high sex drive, always have so its not like I wasn’t having sex with him. why wasn’t I good enough? Why did he have to go pay some other girl to see her boobs? I’ve talked to him about it and he always tells me I’m beautiful and he feels like absolute garbage about what he has done. But I just don’t feel good about myself, and I can’t get over it especially since I’ve had two babies now. And it doesn’t help that he has such a low sex drive, and it makes me feel like he just doesn’t want me.

I think I might be kind of depressed, but I don’t know. I can’t justify getting dressed, or doing my hair or makeup, or even shaving my legs. When I do, do those things and he doesn’t notice it makes me uncontrollably sad. Whenever he asks me what’s wrong I have to fight myself not to say hurtful things to him, such as “I probably wouldn’t feel this way if you chose me over random internet girls” or “maybe I’ll become a cam girl, to make up the money that you spent on them” I’ve never said these things, but I’ve thought them countless time. I don’t entirely blame him for the way that I feel, because I know I’ve also just had a baby which probably isn’t helping, but I’ve been feeling this way for a year now.

Now we’ve both have done shitty things, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and I don’t know what to do. I love him, I do, and I think he loves me. Beyond this we have a fantastic relationship, he is an amazing father and a good (one day) husband, I know there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me.

I just don’t know how to get my confidence back