Second 2nd Trimester loss.

On October 3rd I delivered our third baby. A boy at almost 16 weeks. It was discovered that he was no longer living at our early anatomy scan a week or so after he passed away.

We had our second baby a girl named Ruby in July 2018 when she was discovered to no longer be living at 19 weeks. She had stopped growing two weeks prior.

I never stopped missing Ruby and losing our rainbow baby made me miss her even more. Having two babies to miss everyday for the rest of my life.

Our sons delivery wasn’t like our daughters. It was more of a feeling of shock. Just totally unbelievable. It was more medical and more traumatic care wise. The bereavement nurse was wonderful.

Being home now with my husband being back at work and my oldest, who is 7, at school all day leaves just me and my dog at home. I haven’t been alone since mid June. Now all I feel is empty.

The day before that appointment, when our boy didn’t move on that screen. I knew. I knew it was a boy. And I knew that he was gone. I said “what if something is wrong?” And then the morning of I felt fine, excited to find out his gender and see his bounce around. Now all I can think about is that I felt his life leave my body.

We don’t know yet why this has happened. We didn’t have any testing done on our daughter. I didn’t want anyone handling her. We did accept genetic testing on our son. I’m glad we did otherwise we wouldn’t have known his gender. I have had a lot of blood work done on myself. Based on the tests they have performed, they seem to think I might have a clotting disorder or some type of autoimmune disease. The doctors believe that I can have a living child because we do have a healthy 7 year old girl. They just have to “figure out a plan of action for our next.” That’s what they have said. I wasn’t prepared to hear it just yet.

I heard this recently regarding pregnancy and infant loss. It was just their opinion.

“Would you deny yourself happiness because of fear”

Our answer is no.

We have to name our baby boy, I know his first name will be Arthur.