Today I think I experienced an orgasm (or the closest thing to an orgasm) for the first time. I’m 20. I have always had trouble getting there, I’d feel a buildup and then nothing. I tried my vibrator again and after a little more than a half an hour I felt a really intense buildup and felt like I lost all control.

To get a sense of some of my background, I have been in therapy for about 2 years now. I have been dealing with mental illness for as long as I can remember but have new diagnoses to better understand myself. Something I’ve also heard from multiple therapists is that I, from a lot of what I experience, remind them of survivors of trauma. Most likely sexual abuse. I have no recollection but a lot of my symptoms point towards that. I had an anxiety disorder for what feels like all of my life, I was severely depressed, and I have Borderline Personality disorder. I experience issues with my self-esteem, an obsession with my appearance, switches from hyper sexuality to panicking or even crying during sex (once I thought a guy I was having sex with was trying to kill me), fear of and attraction towards older men, pain/discomfort/anxiety during sex, impulsive and dangerous behaviors, attention-seeking, attachment issues, self-harm, inability to orgasm, you name it.

Now back to my first orgasm: it felt great throughout, but as soon as I “peaked” something switched and I felt like I was in danger or something. I don’t know how to explain it well because right now I’m not remembering the experience well at all. I just felt scared, panicked, disgusted? Just not a good feeling at all. In fact, I don’t know if I want to experience it again. I cried immediately after. And not like a “that felt amazing” cry.

I guess my question is, is this normal? What were all your first orgasms like? Do you think this experience could be caused by my history? If you struggle with mental illness is this something you experience as well?

Anything helps. I feel so disappointed that I can’t experience an orgasm normally.