When I found out I was pregnant I wanted so badly to breastfeed. I took multiple classes, read tons of books, and prepared by buying all the breastfeeding tools. At all the Lactation classes I took they talked about what a magical experience breastfeeding was. How natural it will be and how easy it is.. I definitely felt pressure to breastfeed as WIC and my OB promoted it heavily. Other moms had such a great experience.

Our baby girl was born on September 19th 2019. At first we had some latch issues which I was told was natural. So I picked up a pump and began pumping my milk. At her first newborn appointment we found out she had a lip tie, I felt relieved as it wasn’t something I was doing wrong. I went and saw a Lactation consultant while we awaited our appointment with ENM. She gave me nipple shields that helped some, but we continued to have latching problems. I developed mastitis during this time. I continued to pump. As my emotional state weakened I began to cry every time I was up to pump and she couldn’t latch. Where was that magical bond they tell you that you’ll have? Mine was no where to be found.. every time my baby wanted to eat it was a slap in the face and an emotional heart break. I felt as I was failing her. I have VWD which is a bleeding disorder. From pumping and her latching poorly I developed bruising which was painful. At her 2 week appointment we also found out that she had a bad over bite, causing more issues. I held out hope we made it to our ENM appointment, we were in office for a total of 5 minutes. The specialist looked at her lip tie and informed us her tie was too deep that she would need to be put under and new stitches to fix the problem. However they won’t even do that to her till she is much older or considered failure to thrive. I left that appointment feeling devastated and emotional. I had been diagnosed with postpartum depression and I believe a big trigger for me was feeding my baby. I finally decided that this wasn’t working for me or my baby and switched to formula. It was heartbreaking as I felt like I wasn’t providing for my baby as a mom who breastfeeds. After formula feeding her and my milk drying up I have felt much better. Breastfeeding has been normalized and it’s beautiful; but fed is best. My baby is still happy and we are bonding much more now that the stress of breastfeeding isn’t blocking that relationship. I applaud women who breastfeed but remember it doesn’t always get better for everyone. I applaud women who bottle feed as it’s still time consuming to feed every two hours.