I do not have a good relationship with my mother. She mocks my religion, calls me self-righteous. She always called me selfish when I was growing up and when I finally got on anti-depressants she told me I wasn't depressed, just a bitch. I have always been terrified of having a daughter. I don't know what it looks like to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I'm scared that I will somehow ruin her, kill her spirit, hurt her, lead her in the wrong direction. I'm scared I'm going to pass down the mental health instability genes that run in my family. I'm scared she's going to be too much like me and we will clash. I'm scared by not having yet cut out my own mother, she will affect my daughter negatively.

But I'm praying every day that I can be different, that I can speak life, and learn to apologize, and support my daughter while teaching her to be independent. I am seeking counsel and am not afraid to ask for help. I am having my daughter because we prayed for her. Not because I am lonely or depressed- which is why my mother had me and my sister. Things will be different, but I am still terrified.