last week i texted my ex boyfriend to forgive him for everything, in hopes of that being the last time i EVER talk to him, and he invited me over so we can talk about it in person. i agreed to go. on the way there, we did talk (just abt everything, i didn’t want to get back together and neither did he.) then he started telling me how he just wants a friends with benefits type thing. i said, and i quote, “we’re not fucking,” because that’s not where i wanted things to end up and i’m in the beginning stages of talking to somebody. i genuinely just wanted a friendship. we’re hanging out in his room and he literally gets on top of me and starts kissing me. i didn’t even kiss him back at first, but he was deadass on top of me, his weight crushing me, and i eventually did because i felt like i had no choice. he stopped kissing me and tried to unbutton my pants, i shook my head no, and he was like “ughh okay.” and just sat by my side. about half on hour later, he gets on top again, kissing me, my pants come off and he starts fingering em. my body enjoyed it, but my mindset just went blank. he tried to have sex with me, but he couldn’t get hard (lmaooo) but kept trying, i was too scared to tell him that i want to stop, so i just kept suggesting that we do something else like watch tv. he eventually listened after like the thousandth time trying to put it in. leaving, he tried making out with me in his car and i pulled away. he dropped me off at my house (my mom was waiting for me because we were going somewhere) and my mom was in the car parked in front of us. i didn’t look at him because i knew he was going to try to kiss me. he says “hey,” in like a soft voice so i turn my head, and this dude literally grabs my face and tries kissing me. i INSTANTLY pulled away and said “nope, see you at school,” because quickly exiting his car. he invited me over again a few days later, i said no because now i know his intentions.

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i don’t wanna say it was sexual harassment or assault. i just feel like he completely violated the boundaries i set up. however, i don’t know why i’m so surprised when violating boundaries is nothing new to him. i was just hoping that he’d listen. i made it clear that i don’t want anything sexual to happen, but at the same time, i didn’t speak up. we were friends, but after that i just deleted and got rid of everything that reminded me of him. i’m grossed out from what happened. i’m disgusted with myself. i told the guy im talking to what happened and he was pissed, which i get. but after explaining, he became more understanding, but it kills me knowing that i hurt him. i don’t wanna make things a big deal, i don’t want to vilify my ex, i don’t want this to get out around my school and people thinking that i want to ruin him. i just... need to express how i feel.