I’m going to write this as a part of healing for me, for if anyone can relate or if anyone is going through something similar. This is lengthy, but I would love to hear your story or just anything.

I found out I was pregnant on Saturday, October 12 (only a week ago). I was shocked, and so excited. I called my husband up right away and we both just hugged. The excitement dwindled into a fear a little bit, but after four months of trying for this, we were relieved and so happy.

We told our friends and family that day, I know they to wait but everyone knew we were trying and everyone was so excited for us. The next day was Canadian thanksgiving and we felt all the love.

We even bought a crib, I know this was also early but it was a used crib, and so adorable and we just knew we wanted a little tiny baby in it.

Then the next day my mom brings over even more things she found on sale (a basinet, play pen etc) and it was the sweetest thing. The empty nursery we had was now feeling full, that little embryo was so loved.

Fast forward to Tuesday, I did not want to leave bed, I felt so off. This lingered into Wednesday and Wednesday night I wiped and I saw spotting. Everyone told me “oh it’s normal” google told me it was normal, but I did not feel right. I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. It wasn’t the darkest positive but it was there. So I accepted it and went to sleep.

I spotted lightly through the night but still more than I’d like, so Thursday I head to urgent care. They took my blood and told me it was no big deal, they congratulated me and I went home where I continued to spot, I was able to make an appointment with a doctor at a clinic near me that evening to confirm my pregnancy and maybe see if she could give me an ultra sound.

She was so mean, and so cold, she told me I was not pregnant. I said “I’ve take 9 at home tests and they’re all positive” she said “that’s weird; my test is negative” then started explaining miscarriage and then I knew that my pregnancy was over, we left, and I was bawling. My husband was so sweet, he stayed home on Friday with me where I bled, bright red all day. We both were so sad.

Today I learned my blood work showed low levels of HCG from Thursday, and I am in fact miscarrying. This is my first pregnancy and first miscarriage. The doctor told me “at least we know you’re fertile! You got pregnant so quick!” These words were not encouraging at the time. Friends have said “now is just not the time” which makes me feel even worse.

I’ve never felt heartbreak like this; even though it was so early. My husband bought me a pandora charm to honour this short pregnancy, and it’s dumbo and his mum. The back says “my precious love”.

I’ve learned there’s no right way to feel. I know it was early and I know I’m fertile and blah blah but I’ll always wonder about this little embryo, if it was a boy or a girl, if it would have it’s daddy’s eyes or mouth.

I can’t even look at my husband in the eyes without crying, we’re both so hurt.

I can’t wait to try again.

Thank you for reading this far; this is my closure for this short pregnancy.

My precious love, little tiny poppyseed embryo