I'm starting to realize how much you fucked me up. I have never regretted any one that I have ever talked to or dated until I met you. Everyone else taught me what I was worth and that I deserved better than to be treated the way I was. That I was pretty, that everything wasn’t always my fault, that I deserved to be more than the girl they wanted to cheat on their girlfriend with, that I was smart and talented and capable, and that I deserved honesty. You didn't teach me any of that. You taught me how to hate myself more than you could ever know. I get it, we were friends with benefits and I shouldn’t have ended up having feelings for you. But I didn’t tell you because I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. You didn't want a relationship and I didnt want long distance. But I still thought we were friends. When you told me that you didn’t want to make me feel like I was being used and that you valued me as a person. You lied. And I was stupid enough to believe you. I believed you because of the way you kissed me, and held me, the way you acted like you cared for a second about if I was enjoying myself. I sent you pictures and let you tell me everything you wanted to do to me. I stayed up late waiting for you to finish typing. I let you tell me the things you wanted to do to me even though it scared me sometimes and I couldn’t go to sleep. You knew that somethings would set off my anxiety. You said them anyways. You know how much I struggled with it and you just didn't care. You knew I was self conscious too. That I always felt like I wasn’t anything special. For a second you made me feel like I was worth something, like I could be loved by someone even if it wasn't you. You took advantage of that and my innocence. I did anything you wanted me to do. And the one time I ever actually asked you for something, something you’d done before, you were all for it. Until you looked at me. I saw your face change and you looked up at me and said that you weren’t in the mood. That would have been enough, but for you it wasn’t. You just had to push my underwear back up my legs because you were that disgusted with me weren’t you? Do you know how many times I’ve replayed that scene in my head? Neither do I, I’ve lost count over the past few months. I have never hated myself as much have since I met you. I have never felt this disgusted with myself. I replay that moment and feel a little sick to my stomach. And I replay the good moments too, the ones where you weren’t selfish and only care about yourself. The ones where you dedicated time to me and my body, before you decided for me that I was done and still expected me to get you off. I wish I didn’t do what I did with you. Because I cannot look at myself the same way anymore. When I look at myself I see the girl you used. The girl who was stupid enough to let you use her. I look in the mirror and I hate my body, I hate myself, and I hate you because after it all part of me still wants you. As fucked up, twisted, and sick as it is part of me still wants you to want me. You were the first person that I choose. The first person who didn’t pick me first. And it would have been fine if things didn’t work out but I still wanted you in my life and now you ignore me. We were never even friends. All you wanted was to fuck me. That's it. You ruined me. You’ll never know that I’m scared to have someone else took at me, I’m scared to be kissed or held and touched they way I was with you. I’m scared that I’ll feel the way I did with you, good and bad. I’m scared I'll get attached to someone they way I got attached to you, and then they’ll just leave without any explanation of what I did wrong. I did everything you wanted me to do and it still wasn’t enough. Since you did that I obsess over why I wasn’t enough to even be your friend. And I’m scared that they’ll look at me the way you did, and find something wrong with me. That they’ll look at me and I’ll see the same look you had on your face the last night I saw you. I'm scared to get close to anyone because of you. You’ll never know what you did, you’ll never see this or understand the way I’ve been feeling. How could you? You’re a guy and what you did makes everyone else sees you as if you were a god. What I’ve done makes me feel like a slut. That’s the way my parents see me because of you. I don’t know how to look at myself anymore