I can’t re read our last text messages because it just shows how much it was my fault.

He was dying and I thought it was just a muscle cramp.

I should have put 2 and 2 together and realized he had a blood clot.

I didn’t even know what a blood clot was until after he passed away. I didn’t know what caused it or the signs of it. But I shouldn’t have been so stupid to not look up why his leg was swollen, why he was out of breath, and had a severe cramp. No I had to be a freaking dumb idiot and assume it was a charley horse and doze off.

If I had known, he might still be here. This is all my fault.

*** I see a therapist regularly. It is not helping. Meds are not helping either. I loved that man so much. And I was so ungrateful towards him. Which was probably from my hormones still out of wack due to having our baby.

He loved our baby. He wasn’t the actual bio dad but he was there through out my pregnancy, kissed my belly before he left from seeing me, was there when our baby was born, helped change diapers, and provided for us, he was the only guy that I ever had a crush on. We were about to get our own home. Now my dreams of living this life with him are impossible. He was going to propose. He told me he had a ring. He didn’t get the chance. I never got it. 😭

I should be waking up next to him in our own house. This is not how things should be.

He also never changed his will, so we were left with nothing. But a new shirt that still had the tags on it from a trip we took. It doesn’t even smell like him.