I think my biggest trigger with postpartum is thinking about my labor and delivery experience. It also has to do with my care beforehand. I was so incredibly swollen that my family was becoming concerned, but when my doctor noticed it was overlooked despite my blood pressure repeatedly became elevated. I love my doctor, but I feel like it went overlooked because she’s so overworked with patients. Then I saw a different doctor while she was gone who diagnosed me with preeclampsia and decided to induce me. That whole experience sucked, especially because despite me sobbing no one came to the conclusion that my epidural was placed wrong. I was then berated by a nurse while trying to push and after an hour of pushing he didn’t move in the slightest so I had to have a c-section. I then had to be put under and miss the first moments of his life because the epidural was placed wrong.

I understand that birth plans don’t go as planned, but I’m so upset with doctors and myself that I’m terrified of the labor and delivery part of bringing a child into the world.

I look at him and can’t help but be overwhelmed with love for my son, but I’m so sad that I have so many negative emotions regarding my experience of bringing him into this world.

I really just needed to get this out.