I feel like I have exhausted all of my other outlets, so I’m officially ready for advice from strangers I suppose.

Long story short, I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years. We were married straight out of college, in which we had a long distance relationship. I went to college and he stayed in our hometown and started working. We were high school sweethearts.

Not long after getting married and moving in together, he started drinking daily. Now he is drinking a 12 pack and some “tall boys” every single night. In the weekends, easily more. When he works nights and he is off he will wake up at 4pm, start drinking at 8pm and not stop until he goes to bed at 5am.

I’m exhausted.

I’m exhausted from trying to hide his substance abuse from my family who obviously raised me to know and do better.

I’m exhausted from having to make sure all the bills are paid before he blows through our money on beer.

When he drinks, he is angry. He has physically assaulted me, called me names, spit in my face, etc. I now have learned to keep my mouth closed. Even when he isn’t drinking, he is angry. I feel like the constant alcohol consumption has played a part in his personality. Not to mention, our sex life has also taken a toll.. since it’s hard to maintain an erection when your blood alcohol level is constantly elevated.

Although I have always stayed in the relationship by choice, I feel like I have finally reached a point in my life, only being 26 that this is NOT at all the life I have envisioned for myself. I want out. I want a divorce.

There is zero attraction, zero intimacy, zero affection... I do love him since we have been together for ten years. But I am no longer IN love with him, and haven’t been for a while.

I have finally after 4 1/2 years of this misery started opening up to my mom. She knows how unhappy I am in my marriage, but she doesn’t know about the alcoholism or abuse.

I feel like I am so ready to tell my parents, as I will want their support in moving on and turning the page. Why do I feel so much embarrassment, shame, and guilt?

I can’t make my husband change.. right? I have tried that for a very long time.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!