I'm having a really hard time today. Yesterday would have began my 3rd trimester, but my baby girl passed away in July. I had a D&E on July 17. A few weeks prior, we heard her heart beating so strong and healthy; growing perfect and normal. We couldn't have been more happier that day. The next visit, she didn't have a heart beat. I was alone in the office when they told me, and all I could think about was how I was about to have to break my partners heart and tell him this sad news. Knowing that telling him this would hurt him, I stood alone in hospital's hallway balling my eyes out. Trying to think of the words I would use to deliver this terrible news to him all while he was out of town for work. I don't even remember driving myself home that day.

I stayed in bed for a week crying. Thinking somehow I failed. I elected to go ahead and have the surgery because of a few reasons. I didn't have time to take off work, I wanted to end it in my terms so we could begin to heal, and also I just didn't want to be pregnant with a baby that no longer had life. I felt pregnant, I looked pregnant but my baby was gone and I would never get to hold her, it just seemed cruel to allow it to continue knowing how it would turn out eventually.

Genetic testing came back that she had Turner's Syndrome or only one X chromosome. Knowing she only ever knew our love and never had to suffer eases the pain in some ways. But I still have days, like today, when we are missing a pregnancy milestone that makes it hard.

The other day I was walking into work, and I saw something shiny on the ground. I picked it up and it was a small angel pendant. I like to think that was our daughter telling me it's going to be okay.

Side note, my office building where I found the angel was hit by a EF2 tornado two days later. It was a Sunday night so thankfully no one there.

I may never get to feel her kicks, hold her or kiss her forehead but I gained an angel when I lost my baby girl. Thank you for letting me share my story, there is something so therapeutic about letting it out.