C section. my story.

I don’t remember these pictures being taken, I don’t remember hearing his first cry or being his first kiss. I don’t remember most of it. I just remember going into the room after pushing for 2 almost 3 hours and going into shock. I remember looking around the room and being thrown onto this small cold bed, naked. Everyone was rushing around me and I asked if it was going to hurt. all the doctors and nurses were ignoring my questions and getting things set up for the surgery. they strapped my arms down to the sides and threw a curtain up in front of me. I looked to my right and saw a nurse hooking up more medicine into my epidural (they had given me more than what i was supposed to get as i was pushing) and before i could ask what it was they were giving me, i fell. i saw myself falling into the ground and everything turned black. that’s it. i remember thinking to myself “is this it? am i dying?” whenever i talk about what was going through my head, i can never perfectly describe what i was seeing. the best way i can put it is a whole bunch of different colors and static- like a fuzzy tv screen. my fiancé says when he came into the room, i was staring into space, not blinking and tears coming down from my eyes. i couldn’t talk.

they asked him if he wanted to watch the process and that he could take pictures if he wanted. poor thing, he did not expect to see what he did. we did not prepare for this.

i remember looking up at him holding our baby and thinking “who is that???” he tells me it’s our baby and i could not wrap my head around it. i didn’t know i was having a baby. i forgot i was even pregnant.

i remember waking up in the recovery room, everything was spinning. they put the baby on my chest and i looked down and everything was still blurry/spinning. after about 30 minutes go by, i finally realize who he is and enjoy the moments.

this was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. and i have to go through it all over again- hopefully it’s easier going into it prepared and not drugged up like i was the first time.

i don’t want to scare anyone- but this is the reality of what happened to me and to this day i have flashbacks and it makes me sick to my stomach. but if i hadn’t gone through it, i wouldn’t have been the mother i am today. ❤️🦋

(yes, that’s poop on my stomach. he pooped on me as soon as he came out lol)

*updated picture* ❤️