I've been through a lot of shit. I was put on hormonal birth control at age 12 and stopped taking it due to constant nausea around age 21. I was on lo loestrin fe and tried some others. Only low progesterone.

I finally got a copper iud at 23 and took it out myself when I was about to turn 25. I convinced myself it was giving me heart palpitations.... Turns out that was anxiety. But it looked rusted when I pulled it out and I am NOT okay with the 9 days of straight bleeding and cramps it caused.

In the last 4 years I've been diagnosed with pmdd. I recently quit another job (for the 2nd time) due to suicidal thoughts, thoughts of dying on the way to work and at work. I know work complicated the pmdd. My husband said it was okay and that me having a job was contingent on me getting a car which I didn't. The workplace was also extremely unhealthy. (Boss was doing drugs).

My husband is 31 and I'm 26. We've been married a little over a year but together since I was 19.

This year was big for me. I got off of Xanax AND Effexor and now am on Prozac and Valium. Prozac will be safer for conceiving and I'll stop taking the Valium obviously.

My husband isn't ready for us to conceive for 2 years or so. We live in a very nice place and right now he just wants me to get a better car and thinks I'm not contributing enough (I've made him dinner all week and made the bed despite feeling suicidal) I've journaled a bit and even had a job interview, where I turned it down because the pay was too low. (8.50 an hour- the one I quit was 19/hour)

I've done the mental hospital route maybe 4 years ago for a week where I then had outpatient therapy for 2 weeks. I got through it and I remained unemployed because he had to do work out of the country and I went with him.

I am suicidal right now and it scares me. I won't drive because I know I'm not feeling safe. But my physchiatrist/physchologist is aware of the pmdd. It starts 9 to 10 days before I bleed and it's not always consistently as bad each month. This month is horrific. I genuinely don't want to exist.

The possible solution to the pmdd is oral birth control. However, I know due to tracking my cycle, feeling myself ovulate, and my discharge variations that I am very fertile. I wasn't always like this and I feel like I'm going to have a fertility struggle if I go on birth control.

Does anyone have direct proof of hormonal birth control affecting their fertility? I feel like my sole purpose is to be a mother. It's all I want. If I take an oral birth control and it causes fertility issues I would be absolutely devastated. But I can't be "incapacitated" as my husband calls it, 9 days out of every month.

I don't know who to turn to but I bumped up my psychiatrist/physchologist (she does both and is Wonder woman) appointment to Tuesday at 12.30. I will let you all know how that goes.

P.s. the picture is just to help the post get answers... A selfie taken while in a good place. I'll probably update this post after the appointment and delete it some time after. Thank you for reading. I need answers and help so I'm putting myself out there.