I am so sorry this is lengthy...

My son was stillborn in July @28 weeks due to a placental abruption and me and my partner were obviously absolutely heartbroken and I think we will always have a hole in our hearts because he will forever be missing from our lives. I really struggled with not having a baby.. maybe maternal instinct I just needed to hold him and feel I NEED a baby it’s not a want if that makes sense.

Anyways.. The doctor gave me the pill and my partner told me not to take it (I was secretly happy about this) he said it’s because it makes me hormonal and emotional which is does (seems to make me fatter as well 😂) so we decided we would use the natural fertility method done it before, used it to get pregnant turns out I’m quite good at it. ** he has always said he doesn’t want to try again anytime soon.** anyways I tell him what days we can’t have sex or need to use condoms- last month the condoms were uncomfortable he said but wouldn’t buy a different type, this month I said we can’t have sex during the fertility window, he put a lot of effort into seducing me and I caved but said he needed to pull out (I’m aware this isn’t reliable) he didn’t pull out, he didn’t even attempt to and it’s like he’s tried to have sex with me as much as physically possible and has ejaculated in me every time this made me a bit confused anyways he came home drunk Friday night he’d been on a work outing, he laid in bed and cried saying he just wanted a baby- I assumed he meant our son that died but he didn’t!! He said ‘ I just want a son or daughter’ DOES THIS MEAN HE WANTS TO TRU AGAIN?! Like I can’t ask him because I think he’ll say he can’t remember saying it, it’s like he feels guilty to our son if he admits it but maybe let that slip when he was drunk? It’s just that and the fact he’s been adamant to have sex 🤷🏼‍♀️

really am confused.