Feeling no bond after NICU stay..

This is a long one.. apologies in advance..

I really don't want to be writing this. I don't want to be feeling this way. But I need to get this out..

I gave birth to my second son 8 weeks ago. He was born with a serious medical condition which required surgery straight after birth.

I didn’t get to breastfeed, I didn't get skin to skin or to even hold my son. I barely got a glimpse of my baby before he was rushed off to theatre.

It was 4 hours later til I saw him, 3 days til I got to hold him, 3 weeks of pumping every 3 hours til we got to attempt breastfeeding, & almost 5 weeks of NICU before we came home.

While in NICU things felt okay.. I thought I was coping okay. But ever since coming home ..I don’t feel connected with my son.. I feel responsible, but not an actually bond. Our breastfeeding journry ended because I couldn’t cope with pumping as well as breastfeeding & dealing with my 5 year old.. I thought it would help my mental state, but it hasn't..

I feel like I'm drowning. My partner is absolutely no help, & we’re fighting constantly about it.. I keep telling myself it's because I'm busier this time, or it just because it’s harder with two.. but I’m wondering now.. I find myself having to force myself to be happy, or atleast fake happiness every time my little boy wakes up, & the entire time he’s up, he’s never content, I’m worried he can sense it, or he doesn’t feel the bond either 😭😭 I don’t even know if he realises I’m mum....

I remember feeling this way with my first, but I also remember feeling more of a connection by the time he was smiling & interacting with me.. I honestly keep asking myself when it going to get better this time around..

I feel like the worst mum, why can't I have the same bond as with my first son? I feel like I’ve lost it & I can’t get it back 😭😭

He deserves so much more then me.