Scared of my own thoughts

Ok so my partner and I have been together for 2 years now he is an alcoholic..So last year he went and told friends of ours in the past and told them that I was pregnant which I am not as I have pcos..as much as still I want to have children..I have gone and brought cots and pram car seat and cloths ..we both told friends and family members my grandma is dying and I told her..I have for the past week been having thoughts of self halm ..baby would be 41weeks if I was pregnant..I am so scared of losing him and everyone. I want to kill my self for putting everyone through this