Lost after ectopic

So after 10 years of a dead end bf who was all sorts of abusive I gained the strength and left.a few months later I met a man that I could never of dreamt up. We were perfect and 5 months later found out we were pregnant.something we both wanted.after about a month I had spotting and he suggested we move up our ultrasound. I was that 2% that has an ectopic pregnancy and and then an >2% that our baby was lost in my stomach.i had to take chemo shots to slowly kill my baby before it killed me.honestly I wish i would of let it.my bf didnt understand my severe depression and push away, I just couldn't stand anyone.he left about a week ago he thought he was only hurting things. How do I get past both, I honestly dont think hell come back.ive tried telling him I was just emotional but he thinks our relationship is done