I ruined our vacation. And relationship.

I booked a 3 night stay at an Airbnb about an hour away for my boyfriends birthday. Im 18 and he’s 25 and we’ve been together for a little over a year. We both still live at home (we’re saving for a house) so every few months or so we’ll go away for a few days on a little getaway. We mostly hang at his house and I’m uncomfortable having sex with him because I feel like everyone can hear us. I get all self conscious and can’t relax and ultimately end up not enjoying it at all. Ive brought this up to him but he just says, “There’s nothing I can do” which I understand but it’s super frustrating. Anyways, so yeah I spent $400 just on the Airbnb which I didn’t mind at the time because it was for his birthday, I also got him new sheets and pillows, and paid for most of the food and stuff while we were there. During the stay, I was withdrawing from my antidepressants and on my period so I was really miserable. I was being a bitch to him and essentially ruined our whole stay. I was super tired, irritable, and had no motivation for anything. On the last day we were arguing the whole entire day. We went for breakfast and mini golf and it was miserable because I was just so unhappy and on the verge of tears the whole time (I have major depressive disorder). I know that on the outside it seemed like I was being a bitch because I was being standoffish but I try and try and try to explain to him but he doesn’t understand. He just says “What are you crying for you literally have no reason to cry just cheer up” or the other day at a family dinner I had a panic attack and I really really wanted to go outside to try to just calm down and breathe without people noticing me but he just made me sit on the couch and was like “running from it is gonna make it worse, you have to learn how to control it” and I was so embarrassed because I knew everyone could tell that I was very distraught. I feel like he doesn’t understand me, he thinks I’m overdramatic. When we got back from mini golf we were still fighting so I just left. I figured having some space would help and I went to Walmart and got board games for us to play. When I got back I felt better but he still had an attitude. On the last day we had a huge huge huge fight and he hit me with a ping pong paddle because I took his phone. I went through his phone because he was acting suspicious and I saw that he was making plans with his “old friend” (who is actually his ex girlfriend of 1 day that he claims was nothing) and didn’t tell me. But god forbid I call my old best friend and he sees the call log, then I’m sneaky and hide shit from him. They had plans to hang out so I was livid!!!!! This was the point where he wanted his phone back so he hit me with the paddle several times for me to give it back to him. After I gave it back to him I kept standing in his way to block him because I wanted to know what they were going to do if they hung out. He kept ignoring me and eventually got irritated and put me in a brief chokehold. I pushed him away and just left him alone. I cleaned everything by myself, put everything in the car by myself and he just sat on the couch watching me didn’t even offer to help at all. Then we had a couples massage scheduled and a comedy show we were looking forward to for months. Well he said he didn’t want to do anything with me and he wanted to go home. He then went on this huge rant about how I “forced him to go on a vacation he didn’t even wanna go on and made him waste all his vacation days and he can’t stand me” Which really hurt my feelings because I was just trying to do something nice for him for his bday. He didn’t tell me he didn’t want to go we were actually looking forward to this for months. On the car ride home I was trying to convince him to just forget everything and try to salvage the day and enjoy our massage and show. He got mad and threw a coffee I had in the cup holder and coffee went all over my car. He ruined a lot of my things because all my luggage was in the back seat in bags. He cleaned it for me and is going to give me $20 to replace the library book but he won’t replace my jacket that’s stained now. I’m just so over everything and ever since that vacation I feel defeated. I feel like I ruin everything if I was just in a good mood we would’ve had a good time. I don’t blame him the stuff he did because I provoked him. I have a huge bruise on my leg now though from the ping pong paddle. Fml I feel like my relationship is over. I love him sooo much but I’ll just never be enough for him. I’m too insecure and fucked up in the head.

(The spot where he hit me is like raised and it hurts. And yes, I know my legs are hairy)