I’m Heartbroken

Since 2008, we’ve been in this situationship where we never lived near each other to actually try a relationship. 2018, it finally came together. Since 2018, we talked about how we couldn’t wait to have children, how we prayed for a baby, moving in and starting this life together—the whole 9 yards. We celebrated our year anniversary in May 2019.

October, I found out I was expecting and I was over the moon because our prayers were answered! I told him and...this wonderful man that’s been my rock and knows everything about me revealed that he 1) already has a child 2) had been married to her mother some time back and 3) they both live with him...and have been for nearly two years.

Devastated wasn’t the word. I was devastated because he told me the story of a woman claiming that he may have fathered her child but denied being her father. I was devastated because I have asked if he was married before and he lied. He lied.

I was devastated because he then told me that he no longer wants a kid right now and asked me to terminate.

Why? Why in the middle of the passion do you say ‘I can’t wait to have babies with you!’ He responded, “We all say things we don’t really mean during sex.”

He said, “It’s a fetus. It doesn’t feel pain yet. Plus, you can’t love something that’s only a ball of cells anyway.”

Wow.

He pulled out the divorce papers. He apologized. He said he would prefer it to be a setting where he can be there to rub my belly and feel the first kicks and build the house and picket fence and not us living in separate households and him ‘not being there the way he’d like to be.’

I asked him if he would have told me all of this information about his 15 year old, ex wife and them living under the same roof had I not been expecting. He said, “Eventually.”

I’ll be 34 on Thanksgiving. I’m expecting my first child after two fibroid removal surgeries over two years ago. I just had my first ultrasound and got to see that sweet little heartbeat of a 6 week old fetus. If I abort, what’s in it for me? I hurt from the lies, the betrayal AND losing my baby all for him?

I know maturity has no age, but I could understand if I put myself in this situation with a 20-y.o. but 47?!

I’m in so much pain.