Parenting through loneliness and Panic attacks..

This parenthood thing sucks. I’m at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. Honestly I don’t even think anyone will read this but I need to let it out without feeling judged or being made to feel that it’s not a big deal by those close to me.

I’m a SAHM of two kiddos. Our oldest will be 4 in March and the youngest will be 2 in February. My panic attacks have gotten worse. My anxiety is at an 8 out of 10 every day. I know every mom struggles and I’m not here to say my situation is worse than anyone else but fuck, my oldest is driving me crazy. He’s nonverbal, he probably has 10 words in his vocabulary that we can all understand. We tried speech therapy for a year. Didn’t help. He’s been evaluated for autism and that’s not it. He has behavioral issues. He screams at me when he’s mad, he throws toys at me when I try to discipline him. This causes me to breakdown after Ive told him for the millionth time to get off the deep freezer, kitchen table or tv console. He understands 85% of what we say to him. He just chooses to disobey me but when his dad is home, he’s an angel. I’m alone ALL the time. My fiancé works 10 hrs 5-6 days a week. On his days off, I drive for Uber because we need the extra cash.

I’m losing my mind being home alone with two kids who I love dearly but drive me B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I’ve lost myself in being a mom and soon-to-be wife. I’ve been home since my first pregnancy in 2015 and driving for Uber has been my first time back to “work”. When my fiancé is home he doesn’t say much. He’s a man of little words. He’s always been that way and it never bothered me before but now when I need my partner to help me sort out my feelings, he’s still who he’s always been, he says he understands and gives me suggesting on how to make things easier at home but that’s about it.

I’m lonely, sad, anxious, alone. Even when we’re all home, I still feel all these things. I don’t know if any of this makes sense as I’m typing all of this through tears in my eyes while sitting on the kitchen floor but this is my daily life.

Please nice to one another. You never know what demons someone is dealing with. Good night.