Believe me when I say men don’t change!
I’m writing this because I need to process everything in my head, and hopefully to help anyone else who might be in a similar boat to me.
I’m lying here, halfway across the world, seething with a mix of anger, hurt and so many other feelings I can’t give words to. I’m angry at my ex, and I’m angry with myself for falling for the bullshit so many times.
My ex and I dated for 2 years, during which we shared a lot of special moments, but also suffered a lot of problems. Throughout it there were always issues with him being on dating apps, messaging and sexting other women trying to meet up etc. And every time I found out something was off, I forgave him because I wanted to see the best in him and what we could be. I broke up with him earlier this year and got back together 6 weeks later, after it appeared he genuinely wanted to invest in me and that he really cared - he’d never been so sweet and attentive before.
And I fell for it.
I had hope for a new relationship, and thought that if we were really going to try have an honest and committed relationship then I should be upfront with him about the fact I’d seen some other people while we were broken up.
He took this really badly and couldn’t forgive me for it, and we spent a lot of time around each other feeling tense, anxious and on edge. But I stayed because I thought if I chose to commit and tried and believed hard enough, then eventually my persistence and love would melt him down and we could connect again. We had some good moments, but a lot of it was awkward and uncomfortable.
It was compounded by the fact that I was going overseas for 6 months to work and travel in the US and Canada. We agreed to try going long distance, and for the most part it seemed to be ok. I felt closer to him in fact, and started believing that maybe all we needed was some space to process our emotions.
In late July he phoned me and told me he loved incredibly and wanted to spend his life with me, but to do so he needed to be honest - and he told me that before I’d left for America he’d had a threesome to get back at me. He told me he regretted it and wanted nothing but me now.
This was the last straw for me so I broke up with him. After a month or 2 I started softening to talking to him, as I’d heard he’d been struggling with bad depression, and we started talking regularly again, though I was wary of it. Before I’d left he’d booked flights to see me at the end of my trip in Vancouver, and I eventually found myself agreeing that we could still meet up even though we were broken up.
So here we are, after spending 2 weeks travelling together and being treated like a princess, I found myself starting to really soften again and feel deeply affectionate towards him. But the whole time I’d had a nagging feeling in my stomach, worrying I was falling into the same trap as before. And even as I found myself thinking that, I felt guilty - he was so sweet and seemed so caring, open, generous and genuine - and I still felt suspicious.
So tonight, on the second last night of our trip, I took the chance I had when he fell deeply asleep to look at his phone. And I found a mountain of dirt. Not only had he been talking to girls on tinder while we were spending time together this week, but he’s lied to me about the threesome. I found evidence on his Kik that he’d had at least a few threesomes after I’d left for America, and concocted all sorts of stories about me.
The most hurtful thing I saw was a message sent to a couple the day after I left for the USA, telling them I’d just left so he was properly alone now if they wanted to meet up again. It turned out he’d also messaged them on my birthday, which was just the most awful icing on the cake. So many seedy, sexual messages and gross pictures - I was shaking so hard I almost dropped the phone so many times.
I know it was a breach of his privacy to search his phone, but I’m honestly so glad I did because now I know 100% that this is over. I am done being walked over and manipulated and lied to by this man. Right now I feel so angry, but unfortunately I’m not surprised. A little part of me even feels relieved to know that I was right to feel suspicious and a bit distrustful - that I wasn’t just being insecure and hanging onto the past unnecessarily.
What an awful, sick feeling, but what a relief at the same time. I just needed to get this off my chest and process how absurd and stupid some of this had seemed, so thank you to anyone that reads through this mammoth essay. And I just really, really hope that nobody else keeps making the same mistakes as me. I read SO many posts about dirtbag men and how they don’t change, but I always wanted to believe mine was different - but it’s true, people don’t change. Once they show you their true colours, there can be no denying it. So please, if you have even a slight nagging doubt and suspicion, please listen to your intuition - because so far mine has always been right, I’ve just chosen to ignore it.