Pregnant. Afraid. (Theoretically) Alone.
My partner and I have been in a relationship almost two years now. Found out I was pregnant in September. I’m 11 weeks on Monday. He has not made this pregnancy easy on me, it’s like a nightmare. He was happy at first but now he basically acts like I use my pregnancy as an excuse (to be tired, sick, not want to do things, etc.) I used to think I’d be so happy to get pregnant and have a baby but now I’m just terrified of the future. I’m miserable. He’s so mean and I thought it’d be different now that he knew I was carrying his child. But it isn’t. He’s still just as mean as he was before. This morning I got snippy because I’m just exhausted from the week and I had to get up to go pick up his prescriptions and run some other errands. Anytime I get snippy, he takes it as an invitation to say horrible things and basically tell me how worthless I am. “How are you so tired? You don’t do shit around here anyways! I do it all.” Which is a lie. He does shit ONE day and thinks he walks on water. When I’m not bedridden, I do all of our laundry. Dishes. Sweep. Mop. Take care of the animals. I’M the one who gets up at like 4 AM when the dogs are whining because they have to go out so badly - because if I were to ignore it (like he does) the dogs will definitely poop in the floor and I’ll be stuck cleaning it. He also called me a fucking bitch and a cunt. Which isn’t new. But like I said, I thought me being pregnant would at least help him learn to hold his tongue a bit more. It didn’t.
Aside from all of that - I grew up without a father. My dad got my mom pregnant and wanted nothing to do with me. My SO knows this. He knows how much it hurts me. And yet, he begins to bare more and more resemblance to my dad every day. I ’m 21 years old and I still cry about it every now and again . Even more so now. Because I’m afraid my child is going to meet the same fate. OR he’s going to hire the best lawyer (because he can afford it) and try to take this baby from me. I will genuinely have nothing to live for. If I wasn’t pregnant right now, I honestly don’t think I would even be here.
I don’t even really know why I’m posting this. I just feel so alone and I don’t know who to turn to anymore. He’s asleep in our room because the things he says hold no weight to him and he can sleep soundly no matter how horrible he makes me feel. I’m on the couch crying, wondering why this is the life I got stuck with. I’m just so empty. Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you before? I just don’t know what to do anymore.