Should I be there 24/7? What can help my husband and I be better parents?

Amber

I hate asking this question but I have just gotten news that breaks my heart and I feel like a horrible mother. My husbands family had almost entirely cut him off due to him marrying me. They think I'm a whore and tricked him into marrying me which alright think what you want and I will try to prove you wrong was my thought for I truly love my husband. Here is a picture of us doing a vow renewal ceremony in front of my family because they weren't able to be there for the initial legal marriage 1.5 years ago.

Well may be hard to believe but just two days prior I had gone into preterm labor and had an emergency csection for my twins at 26 weeks. We had been planning this wedding ceremony since the day we had gotten married legally and had paid for the venue and everything about a year in advance.

My twins are stable and currently we are only able to briefly touch them as the least amount of exposure to outside germs and touch is best. So we would go see them twice a day to drop off milk and look over them. Every time I step in that room I begin to tear up and just want to break down crying. I had been just discharged from the hospital 1.5 hours before I walked down the aisle. My wedding was nothing how I had pictured it. My wedding party did all the decorating, shortened the aisle for me, we lost our music list, my dress got makeup on the skirt, and I couldnt stay any longer than 2 hours as I was beginning to get nauseas and super shaky. My husband took me to the ronald mcdonald house across the street from the hospital where we were being set up for the long haul. I got into bed and here I write, because shortly after we got back his brother who didnt make it to the ceremony sent him a text and then my husband tried to respond but realized he had been blocked. It was a confusing text. The last part we had no idea who he meant by fat boy.

So my husband texted his brothers number.

Anyhow do you feel I am in the wrong because we dont stay 24/7 in the NICU? We got out to do the wedding partly because it was paid for but also to surround ourselves with family as they are the only guests who came in the end. I feel bad because yes I do want to be in the NICU 24/7 but I emotionally cant. And I'm of no use until I can start really holding them and touching them for longer periods of time besides 30 seconds. I will stand until i cant stand any longer due to pain fatigue and shakiness, my husband follows me around and is ever so attentive. We also have a 10 month old that isnt allowed in NICU and still need mommy and daddy around.

I guess my question is should my husband and I be there the whole time or is it okay to leave and do things? Are we truly seeming like selfish parents? We love our kids and couldnt stand to lose one, we dont know as young parents how much to be involved because we also dont want to be in the nurses and doctors ways... I feel like a horrible mum either way I do it because if I'm in NICU I cant be there for my 10 month old but if I'm with my 10 month old I cant be there for the twins. 😭

*Edited due to forgetting to wipe out names and phone numbers I apologize*